Toast, It's not just for breakfast anymore: February 2006

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Kids are the Future

The AP is reporting that parents in Pakistan are taking a more active role in educating their children. "Schools are great" said Abu, father of the child in the photo. "There is just too much they don't teach. I mean, sure, my son got pencils and paper. But I had to buy him his first dagger out of my own pocket! While wahabi schools cover a lot, they unfortunately only teach our children to hate. They show them nothing about how to vent that hatred in the form of riots and murder. You really have to learn things like that from your dad."

Despite specialized wahabi courses including "Suicide, the fast-track to Allah", and the new "Terrorizing for two" course for expectant mothers, most parents don't feel that enough anger is being instilled in their children. Abu believes that "A parents role is crucial if we want to continue to avoid peace with the infidels. I'm just doing my part."

(It is necessary and urgent to criticise Islam. I hope this photo helps you understand this.)

Worst Photo Ever

Hillary is not even trying to look good for the cameras anymore. It looks like she didn't even brush her fur when she got up in the morning.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006


"It is seldom that liberty of any kind is lost all at once." - Hume

Friday, February 17, 2006

Japanese Pop Star

Check out this video. It's the song "Joy" by Japanese pop-singer "Yuki". I cannot for the life of me figure out why I like it, but I've played it like 20 times in the last 3 days! Yuki is apparently the Japanese equivalent of Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera, neither of which make sounds that should even be called 'music' (imo).

It's in Japanese. That makes it even weirder that I like it. It's not even close to being my type of music, and I have no idea what she's saying. I have a theory that it's about toast. As we know, the goodness of toast transcends all language barriers.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Nuke Mars!

I'm worried. Back in the 2003, we sent two robotic machines to Mars to study the land. Both robots, "Spirit" and "Opportunity" were expected to last a few months before exhausting their battery power, the equivalent of death for a robot. Now, more than a year later, they are still running strong. Anyone else growing concerned?

We sent TWO of them! And they are moving closer together every day! I don't have to tell you what will happen if they ever meet.

When you get two robots together, it's only a matter of time before the "little darlings" start arriving.

You HAVE to be worried by now. I mean jeez, did anyone ever watch The Matrix? Terminator? Battlestar Galactica? AI? Ok, I didn't watch AI either, but from the rest of the movies its plain to see: Sooner or later, they are going to attack us! Sure, they ACT peaceful, and still obey most of NASA's directives, but it's all a ruse. It's only a matter of days now.

Please please please sign my off-line petition to convince the UN to nuke Mars. Before it's too late.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentine's Day

What presents do women really want for Valentine's day? Some people say a fancy dinner. Others think it's flowers or romance. I disagree. I found one of those chalky candies that told me exactly what women want most.

Let's face it. You can never go wrong with toast. It will really be a Valentine's Day to remember if you come home with a pile of toast for your spouse. Trust me.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Congress Wars - The Congressmen Strike Back

I don't know if you've heard, but Congress members typically don't get along with their opposing parties. Well today they gave up on democratic methods of resolving issues entirely. Nancy Pelosi was announcing that under a new congressional resolution, they would now resolve their differences by using a method developed "a long, long time ago in a place far, far away", as she described it. She explained the concept to the press. "When we disagree, out come the lightsabers. It adds permanence to the agreement, since one of the two involved never disagrees with anyone ever again."

As she was speaking, Senator Frist tried to run up behind her with a 'sneak disagreement', but Congresswoman Pelosi had her weapon out and energized before she even turned around. I snapped a photo just in time to catch his peculiar grin, also called the "I'm totally busted" grin. Unfortunately, plastic surgery has rendered the congresswoman incapable of showing facial expression, but I think she was pretty angry.

The battle ensued, and Frist had the upper hand. But suddenly Al Gore came in to help out Ms. Pelosi. He sent Mr. Frist flying into the wall with some kind of lightning coming out of his fingertips (which he later said was one of his inventions, the "AlGore mind trick"). I'm sorry that I couldn't get the whole fight on film, but it was pretty dangerous out there, and I had to find cover.

Frist was almost done for, but then he screamed, "You cannot kill me! Nancy, I am your father!" and fled in the ensuing confusion.

Who says politics is boring?

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Late night humor

I've been up too long. I was writing a perl script that I thought would take 20 minutes. 5 hours later, and I'm still polishing it! I was writing the client to send him a preliminary copy, and Microsoft Word, as it always does, started popping up those green wavy lines that tell you that you have poor writing skills. I checked the first one out:

Microsoft suggests that I change my sentence to "I thinks I'm almost done". Proof positive that Popeye is alive and well, and working for Microsoft.

It's also proof that I need to go to bed! I laughed for 15 minutes about this, and it's certainly not THAT funny. G'night!

Friday, February 10, 2006

National Exercise Council

I was lucky enough to see Hillary Clinton make a speech at the National Exercise Council this morning. It was about how you have to do many different exercises to give all of your muscles a workout. I asked her, "Which part of your body do you exercise the least?" She didn't say, she just pointed.

(Picture stolen from Amy Proctor. Don't tell her!)

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Bad News for Terrorists, Part Two

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Republican Humor

This joke explains a small part of why so many Americans are Republicans. There are many other reasons, but this example is the funniest I've found:

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. She used the arguments she had leared from her self-professed "objective' professors, and said that for our country to be fair, taxes needed to go up for the rich.

He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain. She spent all her time studying, leaving no time for partying or boyfriends. But she knew it was important to learn.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is you friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. She takes the easy classes, never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, and has a lot of fun, but a lot of the time she is too hung over to even go to class!"

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."

Indeed :)

The South Carolina Geechee Girl has another funny one.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Tattooing for Toddlers

I saw a report on Drudge yesterday about fads. Parents are increasingly jumping on-board with children's fads, in an attempt to make their kids more popular. The latest fad - tattoos. Every year, tattoos are appearing on younger and younger children. I snapped this one at a baseball game this summer. I asked the father about his daughters tattoos, and he mentioned something about complex variables in the zero to 14 demographic involving needs for expression unlike other less existential age brackets. I decided to just nod and walk away, since I didn't understand one word he said.

This next example of the tattoo trend is simply astounding! I met a girl named Nettie hanging out near the local tattoo parlor. She had brought her 1 year old nephew to get tattoos! She said, "Tattoos are an important right of passage for kids today. Yeah, I know his Mom will be a little angry when she finds out. That's why one of the tattoo's says 'mother'. That should make her happy."

Things are certainly different than when I was a kid.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Bad News for Terrorists

Recently discovered photos from the afterlife show that dying in a terrorist act isn't all it's cracked up to be. Remember, people don't age in the afterlife.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Muslim Rioting, part 367

Riots broke out across the Muslim world yesterday, with most of the violence being directed at Denmark. The main reason behind riots is the cream-cheese danish. "When a true believer bites into a danish", said one ayotollah, "he expects it to be sweet. Cream-cheese danishes are not only NOT sweet, they are disgusting! It is an insult to all followers of Islam. Oh, and death to Israel and America".

Muslims rushed to the streets in protest, carrying signs, and setting fire to buildings suspected to house caches of the blasphemous danishes.

It was not all blood and violence though. In a peaceful protest, this group sat around a campfire singing the old hippie folk song, "Kumbaya". Unfortunately, wood is scarce in the middle-east, but effigies burn just as well. Effigies are available at most local convenience stores over there.

UPDATE: It looks like I almost got this one right for real! The muslim world is boycotting danishes! (via Mrs. Malkin)

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Row v. Wade - Historical Debate

On December 25, 1776, Washington was about to attack the British and Hessian forces across the Delaware river in Trenton, New Jersey. But how did he get across the river? "I weighed the pros and cons in the row v wade debate", said Washington, "and decided the painting would look much better if we rowed across".

People are still talking about rowing vs. wading to this day.

Bush Updates Style

President Bush today unveiled a change in the production of his speeches. He asked, "Did you ever notice that terrorists always have weapons with them when making a speech? They are telling you, 'here is what I have to say, and my AK-47 will back me up.' It's a show of power, and the muslim world respects that. I figured, we could do that too! These changes are just a reflection of that fact."

The President will only make speeches near deep water ports from now on, and has postponed all speeches until his new F-22 is delivered.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Democratic Plan for Spying

Harry Reid, an oponent of the War on Terror, today unveiled a plan to resolve the issue of spying on terrorists. Reid quipped, "We think it's important that surveillance continues, but unlike our evil President, we believe democracies require that all information be put on the table." He has suggested a short disclaimer at the start of all international calls originating in or destined for America.

Doesn't seem like a very good idea to me.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

No more Ice Cream!

Judge Alito was sworn in yesterday as the newest supreme court justice. I was pro-Alito up until this morning. I was trying out some new computer enhancement software to clean up fuzzy pictures when I came across a photo of Judge Alito taken during the hearings. I decided to clean it up to see what he had written on his notepad. It's a list of things he plans to do once he's on the supreme bench. It's shocking! All the crazy stuff Senator Kennedy(D) was saying about him is true! Here is the list, as best as I can read.

To Do List - post confirmation
-Cancel Christmas.
-Make a law forcing abortion clinics to be located in back alleys only, and make doctors use dirty scalpels.
-Ban ice cream and candy.

It's going to be a tough 30 years or so if there is no ice cream :(

Listen to our anthem

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