Toast, It's not just for breakfast anymore

The Trouble with Socialism

2011-08-18T10:51:00.000-07:00

Found this in my inbox. Well said, inbox!

These are possibly the 5 best sentences you'll ever read:

1.. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.

2.. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.

3.. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4.. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!

5.. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

If Heritage votes no, then I vote no... REVOLT!!!

2011-07-26T13:54:00.000-07:00

Revolt.

It's time to distance ourselves from this crybaby. He doesn't get conservatism, and he never has. REVOLT!

It's time. Screw this douchebag. Revolt! He sucks just as much as Obama does.

Revolt! Throw this bum out.

UPDATE: Your damned right Drudge. We revolt. And it will be a sad day in hell before we take Boehner into our fold again. F%^ck him and the horse he rode in on. What a douche.

Update II: GOP caves. Grabbing defeat from the jaws of victory, they ran back to the crybaby. It's typical of them. I'm voting crazy third party from now on. The GOP sucks.

We Kissed on the Lips!

2011-05-17T22:14:00.000-07:00

Facebook

2011-05-07T08:54:00.000-07:00

Found using the interweb:

Notable Quotations About the Internet

2011-02-08T17:04:00.000-08:00

"The internet makes quickly available some of the greatest quotations ever uttered by man. Unfortunately, it also makes it quite easy to attribute them incorrectly." - Mahatma Gandhi

Secrets

2010-10-07T22:54:00.000-07:00

Probably the most common question I've been asked throughout my life is, "Kevin, what is your favorite metal?" I always answer, "nickel(59) and to a lesser extent nickel(58)". But when they ask me why, I never tell them. Some things are better left unsaid.

Inbox Humor

2010-06-22T17:27:00.000-07:00

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some ass-hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Alabama, sir." the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Alabama?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players there."

The manager said, "My wife is from Alabama."

"Really!" the boy said, "Who'd she play for?"

Arrr. The Jews Be Pissing Me Off.

2010-06-16T18:19:00.001-07:00

Israel has handled this flotilla thing completely wrong. What they should have said initially and what they still should say now is,

If you want to give stuff to Gazans, steam to an Israeli port and we'll ship it for you. If you instead try to run the blockade, you'll receive a shot across the bow. If you continue in your misguided quest, your ship will become flotsam and jetsom, and anything organic onboard will become food for sharks and crabs. No rescues will occur, and rescue ships will be sent to Davy Jones' locker as well.

Face facts, Israel. You're going to be condemned by the UN no matter what you do. So why not take out a few hippies and jihadis in the process?

Also, flip them the bird before you destroy the vessels. It's not helpful, but it would be pretty funny.

UPDATE: Also, they should change the name of the group upholding the Gaza blockade to 'Israeli Peace Commando Activists'.

Draw Mohammed Day

2010-05-20T07:58:00.001-07:00

Hey, you've never seen him. How do you know that he didn't have a dented squarish head? I'm sticking with my drawing.

Humor from the Inbox

2010-05-08T09:18:00.000-07:00

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

A young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody around was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

The morals of the story:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

Noteable Quoteable

2010-05-07T19:30:00.000-07:00

"I don't think there's an animal alive that can be killed with a 20 gauge shotgun that can't be killed just as easily with a 16 gauge shotgun." - My next-door neighbor

Yes, he said that. And now it can never be unsaid. Sadly, I was laughing too hard to ask him to clarify. What does it mean? We may never know.

How to Lose $75,433.57 in a Single Day

2010-05-06T20:12:00.000-07:00

It's simple. Let me invest your money. I just did it today, and it was surprisingly easy. Didn't even have to buy or sell anything. Thanks Greece! F$^#ing union bas#$ds.

(sorry for this angry post. I'm quite pissed off. Not as pissed off as our kids will be when we tell them that they are going to community college, but still, quite pissed off.)

Slad Knows How to Get Voters to Vote

2010-05-06T09:39:00.000-07:00

The BBC says [voter] turnout in the village of Slad, in Gloucestershire, often hits 100%. Possibly not unrelated to the fact that the polling station is the village pub.

We can still learn a thing or two from the Brits.

How to Win My Vote

2010-04-28T09:17:00.000-07:00

I came up with an idea on how the Republicans can get me to go to the voting booth in November. All they need to do is issue the following statement:

"We will stop every single bill from passing from now until the election. There will be NO new laws. And if we are elected, we promise to continue not making new laws for two more years."

That would be great! If there actually needed to be a new law passed, let the states write/pass it. And if the Republicans wanted me to vote twice, they could add the following:

"When we are a majority in Congress, we will immediately vote to return government to the size it was in 2001, repealing every entitlement bill created since then. Furthermore, we will decrease government spending by 2% in current (not real, CURRENT!) dollars across the board every year until the national debt is no more."

Yeah, I mean 2% of everything, including social security, defense, IRS, farm susbsidies, medicaid... everything. Heck, I'd vote for them in multiple states if they added that addendum. I might have to go to jail for it, but it'd be worth it.

Everything is a Miracle. EVERYTHING.

2010-04-11T15:31:00.000-07:00

Guy: My father, who is a scientist, says that everything is a miracle.

Gal: Yeah?

Guy: Everything. Until recently I wasn't sure what he meant by that.

Thoughts for life from a silly old B Movie.

Info From the Inbox

2010-04-07T11:57:00.000-07:00

This is a fairly concise representation of the difference between America's liberals and conservatives. If you replaced 'conservative' with 'libertarian', it would also be true. Man, I really dislike liberalism/progressivism.

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn`t buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn`t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned
for everyone.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better
his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches
channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion
silenced. (Of course this only applies to Christian Religions.)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about
shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

They forgot to add that a conservative/libertarian wouldn't buy into the non-scientific belief that the globe is warming due to man's actions, as opposed to the more gullible liberal/progressive, but still, all in all, it's a pretty good email!

Sing Along!

2010-03-31T10:17:00.000-07:00

If you're like me, then you like to sing along with music videos. But sometimes I don't know the words, and it's quite frustrating. So it is with great excitement that I present this new video, with the words splashed across the bottom of the screen. Singing along has never been easier!

Join me, won't you?

Grammar Lesson

2010-03-27T09:21:00.000-07:00

"Climatology" Explained

2010-02-22T15:19:00.000-08:00

Astronomy is the study of stars, planets, other bodies of mass and space. Astronomers uses hard science to explain the universe. When something cannot be explained in space, many theories are concocted by the astronomer. Then the theory is tested. The astronomer will predict a precise outcome based upon his theory, and then see if it occurs in reality. In this way a theory is either proved or disproven. This method is the basis of all true hard sciences.

Astrology is the study of the universe as well, but mostly how it affects our lives. Instead of using science, it relies on mysticism and magic. It offers only vague, subjective predictions of the future, that cannot be proven. More importantly, they cannot be disproven.

Now you know why the people earning income off of the climate business are called "climatologists" and not "climatonomists".

Pop Quiz

2010-02-18T19:46:00.000-08:00

Two Questions - One Answer

What group of people have the most disgusting teeth on the planet?

Where has dental care been nationalized since the 40s?

Calling all Engineers

2010-02-10T10:07:00.000-08:00

Israel has come out with an "anti missile missile" called The Stunner. Someone should come up with a missile to shoot that thing down. I'm a fairly avid supporter of Israel, but the name of the counter to this missile would just be too cool. They'd have to call it an:

Anti anti missile missile missile

Frankly, the world needs more weapons with names like that.

Don't Swallow Chewing Gum! (From the Inbox)

2010-01-14T14:31:00.001-08:00

As kids we were told not to swallow bubble gum. Now we know why.

You Only Have to Buy One Box

2009-10-09T10:12:00.000-07:00

Inbox Humor

2009-09-02T11:32:00.000-07:00

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"

Little boy: "What the #$%& do you think?"

Raising Okra

2009-08-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

Okra is a decidedly southern-American food. But fans of it can be found in Japan, Thailand, and in all of central Africa as well. IMO, it's the most disgusting vegetable known to man. No matter how you cook it, it creates this slime that is best described as 'snot-like'. If you saute it long enough, the slime goes away, but it's still tough to eat. I mean, you know the slime is still there... it's just hidden. If you batter and then deep fry it, it's pretty good. But if you're going to fry it, why not replace the okra with rings of onion, or a potato? They're both much better than the godawful okra.

Anyway, here's how to grow it. Wait until you are getting days that exceed 80 degrees all of the time. That's in mid to late April down here in Boondocks, Lousiana, but it may be as late as June in the northern states. Far northern states like Montana, the Dakotas, Maine, etc might not be able to grow this plant at all. If anyone up there is adventurous enough to try it, please send me an email. I'd love to hear about it.

Plant the seed about a foot apart. It's a slow grower, and needs constant and vigilant weeding for about 60 days. After that, give it a bit of fertilizer one time (I use 8-8-8, mostly because I don't know what it's asking for), and it will produce abundant amounts of those horrid okra pods, continually, until the first frost. But once again, you have to be vigilant. They grow very fast at this point. You've got to cut them off every other day. Otherwise, they turn into inedible fibrous crud that's sort of like a tree limb. Very woody.

That's about how big they should be. 8" is cutting it close. 2" is overkill. Somewhere in between is ideal.

The Problem with Watermelon

2009-07-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

Growing a ~50 foot row of watermelons has a serious drawback. Besides the horrible job of weeding the damned things, you have to figure out what to do with about 40 watermelons. And they all ripen at the same time.

Of course it's impossible to eat so many melons in a one month time frame. So this year, we interspersed regular (charleston grey) watermelons with some tiny (sugar pea) 'icebox' type watermelons so we'd have a mix of big and small to satisfy any family in town. That way, we could give them away to everyone, regardless of family size. A good side-effect was that those tiny watermelons produce, I'm guessing, three melons per vine. We've got well over a hundred watermelons sucking up the sun right now, all within a week of being ripe. Check out the difference in the size of the finished products:

Quite a difference! The little ones are a bit hard to find because of the stupid way I planted them among the regular sized watermelons, but they are exceptionally flavorful, and have just a tiny rind.

So what should you grow? Big ones or little ones? The big ones definitely give more eatable watermelon per square foot, but the little ones are pretty cool. Plus, you can grow the little icebox watermelons in a 10 gallon pot, if you're willing to water them every day. It's up to you!

This is Getting Old

2009-07-04T10:04:00.001-07:00

Now it's breaking 100F while being partly cloudy! While friends and family in NJ. MA and Minnesota report ridiculously cool weather, friends in MS, AL, and FL are suffering through equally ridiculous heat... and no rain for over a month. *whine*

Regardless, we've got people showing up in 2 hours to eat some fine barbecued Independence Day brisket, chicken and ribs. It's uncouth to whine at a party, so I'm whining on the internet instead. FWIW, I think we'll all be hanging out inside :).

Happy Fourth!

The Bane of the Southern Gardener

2009-07-02T18:05:00.000-07:00

The stink bug. So called because it bears the abhorrent scent of cilantro. They make tomatoes un-give-away-able because their stings mottle the skin and make rock-hard bead-like structures beneath it. They make cucumbers grow misshapen. They make bean and pea pods come in missing half of the beans/peas. They even discolor corn kernels if you aren't fast to harvest them.

There used to be a pesticide that would eradicate them - Thiodan. But the EPA, being a bunch of whiny ^%$#@$es, banned it in America four years ago, simply because it looks a little like DDT chemically. No studies. They just said 'it might cause cancer', as if anyone was eating the stuff. The EPA is nothing but a bunch of hippies, which is doubly sad because it was created by Republicans!

But I digress. I'm writing this to let you know that there is a new (~2 yrs old) product that treats stink bugs like the cilantro smelling scuzzballs they are and knocks them out, and then kills them - for about 5 days, rain or shine. Then, you've got to pick all the veggies and spray again.

Bayer Triple Action Insect Killer. Buy some today. I haven't found a bug that it won't eradicate. Buy some now before the EPA randomly selects it for the chopping block.

Update: It works on azaleas and rhododendrons too.

What Happens?

2009-06-16T08:31:00.000-07:00

What happens when you put a city girl on a tractor in the country? You get a really big smile :)

That's my sister, btw. She's awesome.

Things Just Got Weird

2009-06-15T13:06:00.000-07:00

We live on a dead-end road, and there are three other houses in a group beyond ours about a half-mile further down the road. So, what could this possibly mean?

It's on a telephone pole on our property about a quarter mile before you get to our house. I'm not bothered that someone put up a sign on our land (we're eazy-breasy in Louisiana), but I really want to know what it means!

For the record, I sniffed, but smelled no dumplings :(.

UPDATE: I added the following addendum to the sign:

But sadly, no dumplings have been offered :(.

'Maters

2009-06-13T19:28:00.000-07:00

We've grown 1, 429 (+- 50) tomatoes this year. I know, because I'm the only one who picks them (lazy freakin' family.. but that's another story that I'll grumble about another time), and it's so boring that I count them. I $%@^&'d up and planted twice as many as I should have, thinking that an expected freeze was going to kill my original crop. The freeze happened, but we saved the plants by draping a towel around each of them. We didn't do anything but that. And they lived! Unexpected, but very cool. But it leaves us with a ridiculous amount of tomatoes.

Here's an example. I picked these Roma tomatoes from 6PM to 6:30PM (good for making sauce, but not so much for eating fresh). I got about a third of the way done with the Romas when I'd had enough (it's oppressively hot in Louisana in June, July, August and the first two weeks of September... also I'm a wimp when it comes to heat), and this is the result:

Don't let the camera fool you. They're beet red. I pick them every night, and leave the extras in a cooler that says 'Free Vegetables' by our Post Office (we have no stores in our town, if you can believe that... it's rinky dink), and by the time I come home from work, it's empty. So far, at least.

Finally, I'll end with a tomato that's unabashedly happy to meet you.

And then there's some corn. But that's a story for another time.

UPDATE 6/16/09: scratch 1429 tomatoes, because it's now 2109 tomatoes. From one and a half 80 foot rows. Unfreakinbelievable. It's gotten so bad that I can't even find enough neighbors to give them to. A LOT of people have gardens in Hicksville, America, and there's only so many vegetables that you can eat or jar in a season. And the corn? Oh. My. God. We planted a 30'x30' patch, and got roughly five times as much corn as you see on our table above, and it all came due in 3 days! Holy CRAP that was a lot of corn. I called in sick one day to help process the stuff since my wife threatened divorce if I didn't (she does that a lot. No worries, but it's best to heed her orders when she gets to that point.)

Before you call me a braggart, know that I'm not taking credit for these ridiculous amounts of produce. It's not because of something I've done. Everyone in Louisiana is experiencing it, perhaps it's an American or even worldwide phenomena. I have no idea why, but it's a banner year. And as an amateur gardener, that makes me very happy. And full.

My Grandfather's "Hobby"

2009-06-12T18:39:00.000-07:00

This is a story told by my grandfather, circa 1975 (ish). Apologies for the use of the N-word. He meant no ill will. It was a perfectly acceptable way of saying 'black person' back then. Or so I'm told. Without further adieu, here's a story about my grandfather's hobby, as told by my grandfather, typed by my cousin, and transcribed by yours truly. He was funny. Give it a read.

Grandpa’s Hobby

Last summer we were more than a little shocked when we found out my grandfather was sneaking around making moonshine out on the back porch down in Grant, Louisiana. He told us he was making gasohol to use in his lawn mower, but the last time I was there he still had not mixed any gasoline with it.

When we asked him about that back porch still, he told us that “long years ago when he was young”, he used to make moonshine and home brew all the time and thought it would be fun to try it again --- sort of like a hobby. Then he told us this tale about an incident that happened once when he made some home brew at the ripe old age of thirteen:

Poppa died when I was five, Mama died when I was eleven, and after livin’ with Uncle Levi and Aunt Lanny for a year, I ran away and went and batched with Uncle Joe for six months at a turpentine camp on the Sabine River where Uncle Joe was quarter boss and woods rider. He looked after the chippin’, dippin’, scrapin’, and rakin’ around the trees in the fall of the year so if the woods was to catch fire, the trees wouldn’t burn with all that turpentine. If them trees woulda caught fire, they’d a burnt like gasoline.

The workers in that turpentine camp lived in a “quarters” off a little ways down the road from Uncle Joe’s cabin, and Uncle Joe was boss over the “quarters” and the whole outfit. Man, them turpentine men was the meanest bunch of guys there ever was. They’d fight all the time and kill one another. Uncle Joe had to tend to ‘em and keep ‘em straight. He’d wrap ‘em over the head with a cane, or sometimes he’d shoot ‘em if he had to. I seen him shoot an old woman in the foot when she was comin’ after him with a butcher knife, and she just fell full length. Now, they was scared of Uncle Joe! There’d always be somebody that would slip off and come tell Uncle Joe, “Old so and so’s over there raisin’ the devil and runnin’ around with his guns, fixin’ to kill somebody.” Then uncle Joe would have to go get ‘em all quietened down.

One evenin’ one of them (insert n-word here) over there at the quarters was just a cussin’ and fightin’ and raisin’ sand; he’d shot at Uncle Joe two or three times, and Uncle Joe had shot back at him and then hunted him half the night and never could find him. Uncle Joe always slept with his 38 and big ole flashlight by the side of his bed.

That evenin’ I had decided to make me some home brew. I had bought me a five gallon stone churn and some bottles, caps, a capper, and a tester to test that beer. When you get that home brew to a certain degree, it’s time to bottle it up. Well, I had broke my tester, and I bottled that stuff up too green.

Man, all at once in the middle of the night, “KaPow! KaPow! KaPow!” Them bottles got to explodin’ and that was the worst racket you ever heard in all your life. The jar from one bottle would bust another one, and it just kept on ‘till it blowed the tops off ever’ one of ‘em.

Now, when them bottles started blowin’ up, Uncle Joe sailed outta that bed like a wild man and grabbed that gun and flashlight; he just knew that (insert n-word here) had done come back and had ‘im. I yelled, “Uncle Joe! Uncle Joe! It’s my home brew!” He just dropped to his knees. I grabbed me a ten quart water bucket and tried to save some of it, but it blowed the bucket clean outta my hand and cut it for or five flips across the floor. I lost ever’ bit of my home brew.

Yes, I guess my grandfather started out pretty young with his hobby, but now it looks as though he is going to have to give it up because, in his words: “It took me sixty pounds of sugar to make that moonshine out there on that back porch the other day, so I already made up my mind. I ain’t gonna make no more ‘cause sugar’s done got too high!”

_____________________

I've got his still up in my attic :).

Why Are Liberals Obsessed With Race?

2009-06-10T21:59:00.000-07:00

Just wonderin'.

Idea! Or should I say, Idea?

2009-06-03T21:16:00.000-07:00

Michelle Malkin should ban Ed Morrissey from putting a question mark at the end of most of his headlines. If he can't make up his mind about the information he's presenting, why should the information be reported at all?

Of course, I never had any luck convincing her to ban the phrase, "The obligatory" from Allahpundit's posts, so don't get your hopes up on my latest complaint being resolved well :(.

Oh No! Espan Yole!

2009-05-31T09:52:00.000-07:00

I was messing around with proxy servers last night, and suddenly YouTube started coming to me in Spanish!
Does anyone know how to fix this? There doesn't appear to be an 'english' button. Help!

UPDATE: Doh. The trick is to click 'Espanol'. This pops up the list of REAL languages (spanish is a fake language... well that's what I'm saying) and you can choose 'English' at that point.

Screw the Single Malts

2009-05-29T14:32:00.000-07:00

The best present a man can ever receive. Don't waste your money on the blue label, and ESPECIALLY don't waste it on the single malts. This $80 bottle is all it takes to let the love of your life know that... well, he's the love of your life.

The liquid missing from the top of the bottle? That's how much it took for me to realize that life is really really good. Maybe it's the Scotch talking, but I love you. You're awesome.

Cole Crop Reign Endeth

2009-05-18T17:13:00.000-07:00

This is the end of the cole crop season (cole, aka 'cruciferous' vegetables include broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, kale, napa, and possibly mustard greens, among many others). They are a cool season vegetable, and it's getting hot as heck down here. Here is our last and biggest cabbage, which I'm showing as an exemplary member of the cole family:

Also pictured: tomatoes in a bag. Sorry, I wrote that stuff to send it to a friend, and I accidentally wrote right on the image, so I can't remove it :(. Anyway, after removing a few leaves that got hit hard by bugs, it's still 11.5 inches across! That's serious cabbage. Wish I liked to eat the stuff :(.

If you like cole crops, here are some good rules of thumb:

- 3 broccoli plants is enough to make a family of 4 sick of broccoli for about two months.
- Napa, aka Chinese Cabbage, is not... good. Unless you're planning on making a few hundred egg rolls and freezing them, don't plant Napa.
- Don't attempt cauliflower unless you live in a cool clime that is mostly dry and devoid of slugs. I say let the Californians grow that nasty vegetable.
- Plant them indoors 3-4 weeks ahead of time and transplant them to your garden when you're pretty sure the temps won't drop below 25 degrees. They can actually handle colder weather than 25 degrees, but it stunts them a bit.
- Exceed the recommended application of fertilizer written on the bag you purchased with wild abandon. They thrive in heavily fertilized soil (as do tomatoes, peppers and cucumbers, fwiw)

Terrible News - THE US IS UNDER A TACK!!!

2009-05-09T12:05:00.001-07:00

See?

Jules Crittenden is Marie Osmond’s Lesbian Daughter

2009-05-09T01:28:00.000-07:00

No one has said Marie Osmond’s Lesbian Daughter as many times in a single article as Jules Crirtenden. Shameless stat manipulation, but kind of funny :).

Stock Tip

2009-05-07T09:22:00.000-07:00

(not a joke)

Whenever a company that you own stock in is about to report quarterly profits, do this:

- Sell all of it a few hours before they report. If they report after hours, sell as close to the bell as you can manage.

- After they report, the stock will dive, regardless of whether it's good news or bad news. I don't know why, but trust me, it will dive.

- So buy it back five trading hours later. If they reported after hours, buy it back the next day at around 2:30pm ET.

The final step: PROFIT! My guess is that you'll pick up a quick 2-3% profit. Not a lot, but over time, it's huge.

ps - You're welcome.

UPDATE 5/7/09: I've gotten three emails about this post (I had no idea that three people even read this blog) and it's clear that my comment caused some confusion. Hopefully this will clear it up.

1) This is not a sure thing. Weird stuff happens all the time in the market. But yeah, it's kind of a sure thing. *wink* Pick any stock you have, go back to the day that they announced their profits, and see for yourself.

2) No, this does NOT work with mutual funds or exchange traded funds.

3) You can't do this with your 401k :(.

4) You CAN and SHOULD do this with your IRA.

5) If you do it with regular taxable monies, remember that it's considered a 'wash' sale by the IRS, and you can't claim any loss you might have incurred if you happen to be selling the stock for less than you originally purchased it for. Don't worry - you still get to claim the loss. But not until you sell the stock for good.

6) Apologies for injecting a serious note into my goofy blog. To lighten things up, here's a cheeseburger!

The Economy (from the inbox)

2009-05-05T16:05:00.001-07:00

The Economy Is So Bad . . ..

- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Jewish women are marrying for love.
- Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
- HotWheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
- Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
- A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico. [pre-swine flu]
- The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
- People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
- Motel Six no longer leaves the light on.
- The Mafia is laying off judges.
And finally......

- Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, great idea the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

Bottleshock Review

2009-05-04T20:37:00.000-07:00

Eh. It's a pretty good movie. Worth a rent. I'm a sucker for true stories. Here's a clip:

I love it when British and Americans tussle. It's just fun barbs, at least ever since 1815. I'm confident that we will never be at odds with Britain again unless islam destoys them. But until then, rent Bottleshock.

The Guy Got the Order Right!

2009-04-21T10:41:00.000-07:00

I Hate Frickin' Hippies

2009-04-16T16:24:00.000-07:00

No post. I just haven't said that in a while. And it's important to remind people that hippies suck.

Chervil in a Pot

2009-04-10T12:13:00.000-07:00

Here's some chervil in a pot sitting on the front lawn. It's kind of pretty, like a fern.

My wife has asked me to grow this stuff for two years, so I finally ordered some seeds. I'm not entirely sure what you do with it. It's an herb very similar to parsley, but other than that, I'm in the dark. I asked my wife what she wanted it for and she cryptically said, "You put it in stuff to make it taste better." Thanks for clearing that up, wifeypoo.

Edit: There is also another plant in that pot, but I don't know what it is. If you blow the photo up by clicking it, you can tell that the fernlike leaf in the lower right corner is not the same as the rest. It's some kind of micro-green grown to be added to hoity-toity salads. I apologize that I can't give it a name. But it's not too gross as salad greens go. Kind of peppery, like arugula, but in a good way.

EMBARRASSING UPDATE: After tasting the leaves of that thing in the lower right-hand corner a few times, and finally deciding that it tasted pretty bad, I decided to remove it. Guess what it was. A frickin' carrot! I ate the leaves of a carrot at least four times. Just a head's up - carrot tops don't taste good :).

Would You Believe in Berries Made of Straw?

2009-03-27T22:09:00.000-07:00

Who's never seen an unripe strawberry? If you answered 'me', you won't be able to say that ever again. I mean, without lying. 'Cause here they are!

(click to embiggen)

Strawberries are very interesting because they don't typically spread via the seeds that coat the berries that we eat. Instead, they send out 1 or 2 foot long runners that have small plants at their tips. As soon as they find dirt, they root and become next year's supply of fruit. This is an evil and pernicious tactic of many weeds, but with strawberries, it's a good thing. Mostly because they taste good.

Hey, A Pea!

2009-03-27T10:45:00.000-07:00

Yankee gardeners will have more experience with these things than I do. But for southerners, here's the rules: You plant these things next to a trellis on ~ January 1. Then you leave them alone for three months, and voila! You get two pea pods.

There's probably more to come. For those interested, these are 'sugar snap' peas, You can eat them pod and all, like snow peas, or you can just eat the peas. But they are not snow peas. That's a somewhat different animal, and you can't grow them in the lower third of the US. Snow peas are paper-thin, and sugar snap peas start off and stay about a quarter of an inch thick.

They're fun to grow, but like all vegetables, they pretty much taste like crap. Still, they are fun to grow...

UPDATE 5/6/09: This is a VERY prolific plant. According to my estimates, we've picked around 1.7 bazillion peas off of these three plants. I've also changed my opinion on their taste. If you sautee a cup of them with a tablespoon of oil and a good bit of salt for ~4 minutes, they taste quite good. Kind of like asparagus or boiled peanuts.

Spring's Sprung!

2009-02-21T06:45:00.000-08:00

As my mother and sister incessantly remind me, it's cold as heck in the northern US. But down here, we've just had our first azalea bloom. Spring is here!

It's quite typical to get some spring here in southern Louisiana at this time of the year, but it was unexpected by me, since we've had such a frigid winter. By Louisiana standards of course. We had 17 nights where the thermometer went below 32 degrees! 3 or 4 is normal. 17 is crazy! I blame Albert Gore.

(click the photo to enlarge it. Azaleas are probably the world's most beautiful flowers.)

Weird Lettuce

2009-02-20T05:07:00.000-08:00

I bought a packet of seeds called 'mesclun', which is just a random bunch edible greens. Each seed producer puts different types of seeds in them. In my opinion, they all taste horrible, but women really like them, so grow them we must.

This year, I planted some in 1 gallon pots. The lettuce looks so creepy! I'm wondering if I bought a packet of weeds.

[Click to enlarge. The stuff on the far-right is carrots, not lettuce.]

Would YOU eat that?

Cool Tomatoes

2009-02-15T19:20:00.000-08:00

What kind of idiot tries to grow tomatoes in the middle of the winter? Me :( (click the image for a massive photo): This was a big mistake on my part. I have 67 full-sized tomato plants that I'm probably going to have to kill because I can't plant them outside until March 20ish, and they're already too big for their pots, meaning they drink the dirt dry more than once a day, and no one is here to re-water them sometimes. *Waaaah*

But there's some good news too. Check out the tiny tomato plants on the left hand side of the image. They're called 'Tiny Tim' tomato plants. They only grow to about 20" tall, will never outgrow a 1 gallon pot, and will produce cherry tomatoes (5-10 a week) until they die from cold in the fall. They make great gifts for people who like vegetables. Once some tomatoes start to turn red, throw 4 tablespoons of osmocote or some other slow-release fertilizer on the dirt and give them to someone you like. Tell them that all they have to do is water it (since you pre-fertilized it for the life of the thing). You will be surprised how happy it makes people - especially people who assumed that growing vegetables was difficult.

Just a head's up - tomatoes grown at your home taste nothing like the ones you buy in the store. They are much more intense in flavor. If you don't like the flavor of tomatoes, you REALLY won't like the flavor of homegrown ones. On the other hand, if you like the flavor of tomatoes, you'll REALLY like the flavor of homegrown ones.

Buy some seeds today! It's plantin' time in the lower 23 of the lower 48, for tomatoes and peppers at least.

15 Seconds of Bragging

2009-02-15T09:58:00.000-08:00

I hate people who brag. But I can't help it this time! A Rolex! My company awarded me with a Rolex to celebrate 10 years of working for them!

These things cost upward of fifteen dollars on the streets of lower Manhattan. With shipping and handling to send it to Louisiana, this thing might have run them as much as twenty one bucks! Royal Dutch Shell cares about it's employees, people. Let that be a lesson to you.

UPDATE: Yes, it's a fake. Still pretty cool though :).

Bok Choy

2009-02-13T07:21:00.000-08:00

A lot of people ask me, "Hey, blogagog, what does young bok choy look like in the garden if you forget to spray it with bug-killing chemicals?"

Well ask no more, people. Because here is the answer:

Lousy bugs. Anyway, bok choy (also called 'Pak Choi' by communists and hippies) is a great way to get your kids to eat cabbage products. We all know that they're good for you, but they taste horrible. So here's the solution. Heat up a tablespoon or two of oil until it's smoking hot in your skillet, and toss some bok choy in. If you've got a spare clove of garlic, toss that in too, but it's not necessary. Grind in some pepper.

1 minute later, pour in a few tablespoons of soy sauce, and you're almost done! Lastly, stir in whatever meat dish you've prepared. Stir it in in such a way that it would be difficult to remove the greens from the real food.

Trust me, it works. Hat tip to my wife for the idea of mixing greens into food. It's how she got me to eat them, so it only seems fair to do it to the kids :)

Sexy Nude Photos! Of My Wife!

2009-02-12T06:43:00.000-08:00

Nah, just kidding. I was trying to get your attention. I see that it worked!

So here's the deal: This blog was created so that I could learn to Photoshop and not annoy my family by making them look at all of the lame images that I tortured into life. But I'm pretty much done with Photoshop now.

A side-issue of this blog was to expose the murderous theology described in the koran and to support those who fight against it, but there are people much better at doing that than me. There's no good reason for me to keep talking about it. The people who are willing to fight against this evil are already doing so and no amount of evidence will convince the liberals that this is a big problem. So, whatever.

So, what's left? My only other interests are exposing liberal idiocy (which is also handled better than me by others), chemical engineering (who is interested in that... seriously), fishing (yet another boring past-time) and vegetable gardening.

Yup, you guessed it. I'm heading in the direction of posting about frickin' vegetable gardening. Can you believe it? I love all of that campy crap. Making homemade beer, saki, cheese, growing vegetables... we're even discussing putting a chicken coop or cows in the currently unused barn (it came with the house and it's huge - 100'x40', two stories tall - and going to waste). Ok, I'm going to be honest: I'm losing that argument, and we probably won't get chickens or cows. But still, we talked about it...

We're big fans of nature down here, but not in the hippie way that people in the cities of America are. It's more of a 'common sense' way of looking at nature. For example, unlike the foolish city dwellers in Australia who made laws forbidding controlled burning of forests (click that link. It's funny), we torch our forests yearly around this time, and make firebreaks regardless of how many saplings are murdified. So don't hate me because I'm a closet environmentalist. I'm the good kind!

FWIW, THIS is the type of environmentalism I'm in favor of:

Mmm, I love the smell of burning forest in the morning. The photo is at 7:30 AM sunday. Total area burned - 36 acres. Trees saved from possible forest fire - ~21,000. But don't feel too happy for the trees just yet! In 12 years, most of these will be in your local lumber supply store, and the ugly ones will be in the paper you write letters with. And then I'll plant some more! Nature rocks.

So, de-link this blog if you are linked to it. It won't be what you expected anymore.

And quit trying to find nude photos of my wife on the internet, you pervert!

Remembering the Year

2008-12-31T23:27:00.000-08:00

Remember when I said that islam was a religion of peace? Can you believe some people bought that line of crap?

Arabs Condemn Israel

2008-12-27T09:08:00.000-08:00

Arab World condemns Israel. The World panel of Toast aficionados un-condemns Israel, thereby canceling out the Arab condemnation. Clean house, IDF!

Update: "For us to be asked to have a cease-fire with Hamas is like asking you to have a cease-fire with Al-Qaida," Barak said in an interview with Fox News. "It's something we cannot really accept."

Sure wish you said that about Hezbollah two years ago. Still, it's nice to see that he's finally grown some cojones.

Update 2: Good liveblogging over at Israellycool. It answers an age old question too: Is it possible to point at stuff while something is burning in the background?

Yes. Yes it is.

UPDATE 3: Egyptians to palestinians: The safety has been switched to 'off'. I wonder if anyone is thinking that they made a bad decision voting for Hamas politicians. It seems that everyone hates those murderous thugs.

Update December 29: The whining begins about Israel using disproportionate force against Hamas. I say, "Good for Israel!" The only way to guarantee that a war continues for eternity is to fight it proportionately.

Update December 31: Oops! Hamas let slip a key bit of info. There are weapons of war in every house in Gaza! That seems like a legitimate reason for the IAF to 'clean house'. All of them. They won't though :(.

Update: Fans of Obama take to the streets in Belgium.

Hope and Change? It Just Got Even Better

2008-12-17T07:20:00.000-08:00

That's right. Ponies all around. Who doesn't want a pony? Click the image to watch the vid.

Smile!

2008-12-07T05:20:00.000-08:00

I promise that I didn't photoshop it. It's real.

UPDATE: Yes, I'm an engineer, but I do have other talents. One of those is being an artist! Look with awe upon my latest creation, merging reality with fantasy:

See, I used Salvador Dali's method of melted obfuscation by making the man blush in green to confuse the eye. Brilliant? Well, I wouldn't call it that, but since you brought it up- yes, yes it is!

Blowout

2008-11-04T20:22:00.000-08:00

We were smashed. Conservatives lost. Republicans lost even bigger. Destroyed. America has decided. Government is not the problem, it's the solution! But what does this mean to regular Americans like you and me?

Here's my guess:

On the lighter side of things, there's possibly good news. At least now we get to find out how much stuff the working classes owe those who can't be bothered to hold a job. I suspect we owe them a lot, from an Obama perspective at least.

My Take on the Debate I Didn't Watch

2008-10-15T17:34:00.000-07:00

Obama: "Yes, I am a socialist. But I prefer to call it 'Hopeychange-ism' instead of socialism. Americans are too stupid to figure me out."

McCain: "Yes, I'm a liberal. But I prefer to call it 'Maverick-ism'. Americans are too stupid to figure me out."

*sigh*

These People Creep Me Out

2008-10-13T19:05:00.001-07:00

Good News on Economy

2008-10-13T18:43:00.000-07:00

With the recent good news over at Wall Street, the higher-ups have given me permission to re-introduce to this blog... the color YELLOW!

Admittedly, the yellow is sparse, but with the cutbacks and all of the local rigamarole we're lucky to have even that. And yes, I TRIED to get magenta and cyan, but there's just no money available for it. Not even for this poor child's eyes. Don't you want this penniless child to have colorful eyes? If so, please donate to the Dow Jones Industrial Average... Association For The Betterment Of - Something Or Other, and the colors will flow!

Probably Only Funny to Me

2008-10-11T15:18:00.000-07:00

We heard an advertisement on the radio on the way to the store this morning. It was about a book that will allow you to get ahead in the world of marketing. One line in the ad stood out, and I'll quote it verbatim:

"With this book, you will learn how to literally slaughter your competition."

Literally? I think I know what the first page says:

Cutbacks

2008-10-10T15:20:00.000-07:00

Because of the recent crash of the stock market, this blog can no longer afford to use color in its images. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Self portrait

Darnit - Can't Whine

2008-10-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

We got creamed by the markets again, so I was kind of hoping to find something on the net to vent disgust upon (it's great therapy!). Sadly, I can't find anything to gripe about :(. Any suggestions?

How to Deal With Crisis

2008-10-01T00:03:00.001-07:00

According to the Ace of Spades:

Good Lord. Have you visited that site lately? It's government subsidypalooza over there. And IT'S PISSING ME OFF.

Hopefully you know that I don't swear lightly (on paper). Ace's disregard for conservatism has got me swearing like a drunken sailor who, once drunk, had two more drinks! I can't go on, because I'm so pissed off at that #$%hole for joining the ranks of the libtards that I working hard here not to curse. His liberal whining potentially cost his conservative readers quite a bundle; at least those who lack testicular or ovarian fortitude.

Add Ace to the list of cool conservatives who have pissed me off. That makes the list:
-Roger Simon (L. removed because he's a jerk)
-Allahpundit (because of his disdain for half of all conservatives - i.e. the religious ones)
-Glenn Reynolds (but only because he conflates news with advertisements)
-Ace of Spades (because he's acting like Andrew Sullivan)

Sheesh. I need some new websites.

Hey Ace, how about this for a new site avatar? You whiny anti-capitalistic #@$%^#. (That wasn't a curse. That's just donkey-speak for 'Eeyore'.)

How about some reasonable discussion about the big money grab? Here's something from Reason Magazine. I know, I know, they smoke a lot of weed over there, and are generally slackers and malcontents. Not hippies, not commies, but some sort of unnatural hippie/commie hybrid. But the guy they are interviewing doesn't appear to have that vice. Give it a listen:

This is Just Creepy

2008-09-30T15:06:00.001-07:00

Seen on Drudge:

As if this election cycle wasn't confusing enough. There is no smooching in presidential politics!

My Position on the Bailout

2008-09-30T09:59:00.000-07:00

Invisible hand. Need I say more?

Is Glenn Reynolds a Paid Shill for Amazon?

2008-09-20T08:19:00.000-07:00

Check out this 'news' on instapundit:

AT AMAZON a big sale on men's watches. This one's almost 90% off, which is pretty impressive since it started at nearly $1600. I ordered one myself, to get ahead on my Christmas shopping.

I guess it would be pretty impressive if it started at $16. A watch that cost $1.60 would be news. But 90% off of $1,600? Not even close. Hey, here's another sale of equal impressiveness: I've got some Ziploc storage bags on sale at 90% off, which is pretty impressive since I originally priced them at $700 each. Order yours now!

Who's paying him to say this crap? I wish he'd do the honorable thing and label it as an advertisement. As it stands, it's tacky.

Sugar Makes You Hyper (non-political fluff)

2008-09-10T19:48:00.000-07:00

The kids fill this thing up at breakfast and then again when they get home from school. They asked for an additional feeder to handle the overload, but I had to nix that. Those things cost eight dollars! What am I, made of money?

Yes, I know. I'll repaint the porch ceiling. Eventually. Geez, you sound like my wife.

Why We Should Not Vote For Palin

2008-09-05T07:11:00.000-07:00

by guest blogger TED ANTHONY - ASSOCIATED PRESS

As an addendum to my ~~hit piece~~ article on Sarah Palin's children, consider this damning evidence: The Associated Press has uncovered a shocking document that the Republicans have been working hard to cover up. It proves once and for all that a woman cannot raise children effectively while in office.

Piper Palin's Spelling Test

Is a woman who can't even teach her child to spell 'eggs' correctly really ready to be a heartbeat away from the presidency? Obviously not. Stay home with your kids, Mrs. Palin, where you belong.

UPDATE[blogagog]: Ok, that's the last time I'm letting someone from the AP guest-post here.

Newswire (aka Inbox)

2008-09-03T03:26:00.000-07:00

Reuters: All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia , "they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama".

Hurricanes are all Jerks

2008-08-29T20:49:00.000-07:00

Here's the latest track the computer models have come up with for Hurricane Jerk (that's probably not its real name):

Hey, guess where we live?
I'm fine with a 3-4 day vacation in Houston or Shreveport, LA, (or Galveston, if we're daring, which we're not) and then coming back and picking up a half-ton of debris and hauling it to the dump. What I'm NOT fine with is people whining about it and begging for the government to save us as if we didn't know we lived in an area that is often ravaged by hurricanes.

Oh, and I'm also not fine with this hurricane knocking down our second crop of corn. My neighbor said two (garden) crops in one season couldn't be done, and if I don't deliver a bushel to his door, it's going to cost me a $25 bet. And we're SOOOO close!

This is particularly bad because this hurricane is named 'Gustav' which could be a french name. I've said a lot of bad things about the french, so this hurricane could be gunning for us. In the hopes that we can find peace, I take back half of the bad things I've said about the french. Think that'll fizzle out Gustav?

What Type of Bigot Are You?

2008-08-29T09:44:00.000-07:00

If you don't vote for Obama/Biden, then you are racist - plain and simple.

If you don't vote for McCain/Palin, you are sexist - plain and simple.

Update: Rush is moved by Palin. "She's got it all. Babies. Guns. Jesus. Hot. Damn!"

Update 2: Hmm.

It would be a bad idea to start conspiracy theories this early in the game, but has anyone ever seen Tina Fey and Sarah Palin in the same room at the same time?

UPDATE 3: Peggy Noonan outdoes herself on MSNBC this morning. The last 25 seconds are the funny part, so stick with it. Click the image below to watch:

Noonan on Democrat speakers: Everybody is sick in their world. I'm sorry! Everybody is an unhappy, unwed, single mother who's feet are exploding. They don't exactly see the bright side of America.

Fascism at the Democratic Convention

2008-08-27T05:53:00.000-07:00

I was just denied entrance to the convention by some fascist thugs. I didn't have my camera rolling, but here's how it went down:

SS Guy: I'm sorry sir, but you can't bring that sack of rotten tomatoes inside.

Me: Why? I wasn't planning to throw rotten tomatoes at Jimmy Carter. Where did you nazi thugs get such a ridiculous idea?

SS Guy: I never said Jimmy Ca- ... (*whispers to other SS thug*)Get him outta here.

Fascists. That's what they are.

Election Day Plans

2008-08-26T17:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, I've heard of this joke being played out in a WalMart dressing room, but how about in a voting booth? Here's how you do it:

Enter the voting booth. Stand around idly for a minute or two, and then thrust your arm under the curtain and say, "This stall is out of toilet paper. Can anyone hand me some?"

DNC Protest Team Still Loves Mercedes

2008-08-25T17:05:00.000-07:00

Hippie protesters are on the March again. This time in Denver.

Sheesh. Hippies. Don't they know that Mercedes-Benz is part of the corporate establishment? Also, their math skills continue to be less than stellar.

New Campaign Posters

2008-08-21T11:23:00.000-07:00

I was trying to combine some of Obama's Messiah photos, but our cow kept getting in the way. Oh well, I'll work on it later.

This one is for conservatives. We got totally screwed this year :(.

UPDATE, but not even remotely related: Although it is typical for them to receive endorsements, our presidential hopefuls instead do a little endorsing of their own:

UPDATE 2: Nah, I'm kidding. McCain wasn't endorsing Robert Spencer's awesome book. I just photoshopped it in. Here's the original.

UPDATE 3: After visiting Reverend Wright for a personal sermon, Obama has written a third book! I saw him carrying a copy while he was making his way to his personal Boeing 757, Carbon Spewer One.

When he wasn't looking, I snagged a copy of it. Each sentence has a little superscript number after the period. Where have I seen that before?

UPDATE 4: You'd think by now there'd be some rhyme or reason to this post. You'd be wrong!

UPDATE 5: Obama sent down from upon high his choice for VP. We think it went something like this:

UPDATE 6: It's unclear why Obama would choose Biden as his running mate. Critics claim that he won't ever look you in the eye, like an honest person would. Proponents blame this on a rare birth-defect.

UPDATE 7: Again, unrelated, but friends, I may have just solved a huge portion of the world's troubles. I was sent an anonymous email on how to do it. Here's how:

Empty the recycle bin. Then create a folder, and name it "the murderous misogynistic parts of the koran.. i.e. most of it", and then delete it. When you empty the recycle bin again, a simple clicking of 'yes' puts all of the weight of Microsoft behind you.

I imagine it's a lot of extra work for those poor Microsoft peons having to dissect all of those currently evil korans, but in the end everyone benefits!

It's Over

2008-08-20T07:51:00.000-07:00

I'd say the National Enquirer pretty much solved this puzzle. Let's stop talking about it now.

American History - Emily Dickinson

2008-08-12T21:59:00.000-07:00

He glanced with rapid eyes
That hurried all abroad,—
They looked like frightened beads, I thought
He stirred his velvet head

Like one in danger; cautious,
I offered him a crumb,
And he unrolled his feathers
And rowed him softer home

Let's be honest: Emily Dickinson was horrible at rhyming. It is a testament to how forgiving America is that we even allowed her to be called a poet. I mean, you couldn't be much worse at rhyming than Ms. Dickinson even if you didn't know what the word 'rhyme' meant.

I know no one cares about this, but it's been bugging me for a couple of decades. Glad it's out in the open now.

Violence Works!

2008-08-07T22:10:00.000-07:00

Corporations are quickly realizing that intimidation and the occasional mass-murder is the wave of the future. Steve Jobs of Apple Computer noted that 'Hamas simply blew up a few thousand people, and suddenly they OWN the Gaza strip! Those palestinians have very good marketing technique. We could learn from them."

Geico, always on the cutting edge of advertising, went one step further. They've hired a pack of jihadis to promote their business.

When asked whether the company was worried about repercussions from violent brutality, a Spokesman shrugged off the idea. "Did you see what happened in Israel a few weeks ago? PM Olmert traded live terrorists for corpses! If we get arrested, we'll just kidnap some people, kill them, and use their dead bodies to get our employees sprung from jail. No harm done."

UPDATE: I've been informed that I should mention that Geico is the best insurance company around... if I want to live.

GEICO IS THE BEST INSURANCE COMPANY AROUND!!!

Obamamania Gets Creepy

2008-07-27T15:24:00.000-07:00

Obamamania is spreading like wildfire, friends. It's even worked its way into the hotel industry. Last week I had to visit a client in New Mexico, so I booked a room at a luxurious resort hotel (aka the La Quinta chain). I arrived slightly early, and my room wasn't ready yet.

The porter said, "If you'll give me 5 minutes, I'll have the room ready for you. We just have to change the sheets."

As I finished up checking in at the front desk, the clerk said, "I hope you have a wonderful stay."

When I got up to my room, I called the operator to see if they could give me a wakeup call in the morning. "Yes we can!" was all she said.

Jeez, could you be more obvious about your support for a presidential candidate? The whole ordeal creeped me out, so I canceled my room and stayed at another resort hotel in the area - Motel 6.

Computerski ist Kaput

2008-07-23T05:10:00.000-07:00

One of our two main computers has pissed me off for the final time. If you turn it off for more than ten minutes, it will not boot when you turn it back on. It powers up, and the fans and hard drives start spinning, but no boot. To get it to boot, it must be left on for an hour or two, and then be reset. I thought it might be a power supply issue, but it wasn't. Screw it, we're making a new one.

This is what I ordered. It seems like a pretty powerful combination, especially for under $1k. What do you think? Did I goof up somewhere?

(click image to make it legible)

It's a Religion of Peace!

2008-07-22T02:38:00.000-07:00

I don't want that kind of peace, tyvm. No links. I was just bored and couldn't sleep :).

Achmadinijihad Could Actually Pull This Off

2008-07-14T15:34:00.000-07:00

It's a sad day for Israel, my friends. Iran might be able to actually pull this off. SCARY! Scott Ott has the details.

Expert Hunter/Trapper

2008-07-09T21:47:00.000-07:00

My Pop's been catching possums and raccoons at his home in the Dallas area and carting them away to the forest for over a month. Up until yesterday, his tally was 5 possums, 2 neighbor's cats, and a 'coon. But this is an amazing catch. Obama, always a big fan of Español, would say that this was the '~~Coup d'état~~' 'coupe de ville' [thanks le!] of trappings!

Seven in one stroke!

Change is not always good (from the Inbox)

2008-06-26T11:33:00.000-07:00

The buzzword of this election is 'CHANGE.' Candidates toss it around without saying what they want to change to. Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines and told the 'Gunny' that they smelled bad. The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear. The Gunny responded, 'Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately'.

He went into the tent and said, 'The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it'.

The moral: A candidate may promise change in Washington but don't count on things smelling (or being) any better.

UPDATE: Obama promises that if he's elected, he will take all of your money for tax purposes, but give you back... change. Chump change.

Good News! Most Britons Aren't Stupid!

2008-06-22T22:36:00.000-07:00

See?

UPDATE: James Hanson must be fired. Ever since it became clear that he lied to us about global temperature changes, it has been impossible to trust NASA data. Is Hanson still just making it up? WHO KNOWS! He's still whining like a hippie who had to get a job, though.

Lose that poser ASAP if you ever want to be trusted again, NASA.

Mohammed ElBaradei Offers Israel a Carrot

2008-06-21T20:44:00.000-07:00

Mohammed ElBaradei, the head of the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) promised today that he would resign, but only if Israel 'got off their butts and bombed the crap out of Iran's nuclear facilities'. This new added bonus to destroying Iran's nuclear capacity is thought to be enough to put many fence-sitters in the Israeli government into the hawkish camp.

One anonymous cabinet member said, "Perhaps if we picked a new head for the IAEA who's first name wasn't the same as most of the people trying to acquire nuclear bombs for nefarious uses, it could become a useful agency again." Sadly, he was reminded by a colleague that the IAEA has never been useful, other than for people trying to acquire nuclear weapons.

A recent Rasputin poll shows that 100% of bloggers who promote daily toast consumption support a massive Israeli strike.

Universal Health Care Promises Cure to Alcoholism!

2008-06-20T09:31:00.000-07:00

The solution: Government sponsored, free, 'medical whiskey'.

The Death of Tim Blair

2008-06-06T21:33:00.000-07:00

No, he's not dead in the literal sense. He's just dead in the literary sense. Or at least a 'blogging' sense. It's so sad to watch as he falls from world fame. Let's hope that at least Australians continue to follow him though. Tim Blair, without doubt the most humorous commentator in Australia, and possibly the funniest guy on the whole planet, has jumped the shark. You might ask, "How could such a horrible thing happen to such a nice and funny guy?"

Well first, you're asking the wrong guy. For all that you know, I'm sitting in my parent's basement in my pj's. What the heck do I know? But I will hazard a guess. It's because of his new website. It's slow as heck (click this if you doubt me), it seems incapable of remembering your name, forcing you to type it in each time you want to comment, and it's UNDER MODERATION! That of course means that if you enter a comment, it may or may not appear in a few hours, and makes discussions with other commenters impossible.

As hilarious as the guy is, he's now gone from the RSS feed. That website is just too annoying.

Good News? Yes and No

2008-06-06T11:41:00.000-07:00

From StrategyPage:

"June 6, 2008: With things quieting down in Iraq (U.S. casualties hit an all-time low in May, 2008), South Africa has regained its position as the most violent country on the planet, with a murder rate of 65 per 100,000 population. The death rate is also high in some other African countries (like Sudan, Somalia and Congo), but those placed don't keep records as effectively as South Africa. The Iraqi rate is now running at about 48 per 100,000. The Afghanistan rate is about 15. India, another area with lots of terrorism (and half of it is from communist and tribal rebels) the murder rate is about four per 100,000. That's about the same as most European nations, and half the U.S. rate. But the Western Hemisphere has always had a higher homicide rate than the Old World. No one is quite sure why."

How's Your Economy?

2008-06-05T16:06:00.001-07:00

Do you know anyone who's lost their job in the last few months? Do you know anyone who owns a business that has suddenly begun to tank?

Our town is small enough that everyone knows everyone else, and I know of no one who has lost their job or received a paycut. Not a single person. Is Louisiana immune to this downturn I keep hearing about on the news? Or are they just lying?

I'm very curious, friends. Do you know people close to you who have lost jobs, can't find jobs, or have received a paycut?

Because I'm about to call 'shenanigans' on this whole 'recession' boondoggle. It appears to be completely imaginary.

Matt Drudge Disgusts Me

2008-06-04T14:46:00.000-07:00

Have you seen the latest headline on drudgereport.com?

I am offended on multiple levels. First, it's really none of our business who the man is having sex with. I guess it could be said that if he's cheating on his wife, it may suggest that he would screw us over just as quickly as he screwed over his wife, but that's a bit of a stretch. Second, shouldn't Matt have mentioned this to Ms. Obama before publicizing it? That's pretty insensitive on his part.

And lastly, is 'tapped' even an acceptable euphemism for sex? It wasn't when I was a kid. It was considered quite vulgar, in fact.

UPDATE: OOPS! I seem to have gotten the story wrong.

Ok, that means something totally different.

Nevermind.

Unrequited Love

2008-06-02T20:30:00.001-07:00

Don't tell my wife. Or the kids. They're blabbermouths. But I love this woman.

Guns and an attitude. Holy cow. I love her. But just to tick me off, she became a lesbian (as far as I can tell, that was the only reason she did it). Just more proof that women are jerks.

Why Not Just Say It?

2008-05-31T18:24:00.000-07:00

Was that so hard? We get it. You want to take from the people who work, and give it to the people who can't be bothered to work. We always knew it. Why can't you just man-up and admit it?

Humor from the Inbox

2008-05-26T08:04:00.000-07:00

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Long legs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback Mountain sh** in our garden."

Enough With Feminism!

2008-05-24T04:51:00.000-07:00

New rules, feminists. I don't care how cold your feet are, you are not allowed to put them on my other people's backs while in bed to warm them up. I mean, come on!

Can We?

2008-05-24T02:03:00.000-07:00

Yeah. We can.

Ok, I'm not sure about that last one on the list, but he definitely said all of the others.

TOTALLY UNFAIR ATTACK!

2008-05-18T19:04:00.000-07:00

Obama said, "We can't drive our SUVs and eat as much as we want and keep our homes on 72 degrees at all times ... and then just expect that other countries are going to say Ok..."

Since when did we care what someone from another country thought about the temperature in our homes? I can't remember the last time I wondered if a guy from Senegal was 'ok' with my preference for the thermostat. For the record, it should be known that we only keep our house at 72 degrees in the winter. In the summer, it's more like 69 degrees.

72 degrees at all times. Sheesh. Obama is such a LIAR.

UPDATE: Laura Ingraham is laying into him for this comment now. If I could figure out how to post an mp3, I would. But I can't, so I won't. She's pretty funny though. Tune in if you have the chance.

Quick Takes

2008-05-16T10:51:00.000-07:00

-Pope re-instates gay marriage ban after California vote. Hah! Take THAT, California courts. If judges can create laws, then so can he!

-Obama calls Hamas 'hummus'. "We need to sit down with hummus and start a dialogue. It's the only way to peace." I wonder if he knows the difference between the two.

- Soldier refuses to serve in Iraq because he feels it's an illegal war. Government grants him 15 years of leisure in Leavenworth to reconsider his decision.

- From the 'Are You #$%& Kidding Me?' files - Dutch police arrest person for drawing a cartoon! WTH? The Dutch aren't even French. So why are they surrendering their freedoms like frenchmen?

- Lastly, catching up on my reading (well, more accurately, 'blowing it off'), I may have set a new browser record:

Can anyone beat that? I hope those 125 posts aren't important, because I'm kind of tired.