Yet Another Group Claims Holy Land
Hittites and Sumerians have emerged from obscurity. Hundreds have been in suspended animation chambers for three thousand years and, for reasons currently unknown, picked this week to return to the land of the living. In a press release on Wednesday, they demanded that their ancestral home be returned to them, and the current 'occupiers' be removed. "For thousands of years, Jews and muslims have occupied our lands." The lands claimed include the Arabian Peninsula, Iran, some of Turkey and most of Egypt.
Most people today have no idea that both Hittia and Sumeria were nuclear powers, and a nuclear exchange caused their demise. At the press conference in 'Babylon' (their name for Baghdad) they said, "We did not use our entire arsenal of nuclear weapons, and are prepared to dust them off if need be. Get out of our lands now. We give you one week to pack."
I forgot to bring my camera with me, so here is a rough drawing of what the scene looked like:
The reaction from the world was very wide-ranging. The head of Hezbollah said, "This is obviously a scam perpetrated by the deceitful Jews to steal Arab land. We shall attack Israel with renewed vigor for this." Al Gore said, "Why have they returned at this point in time? Clearly, global warming caused it by melting the suspended animation chambers. Let's hope that the Hittites are carbon neutral."
Liberal bloggers are strangely silent on this story. A commenter at The DailyKOS told me, "We know Bush is to blame for all of this, we're just waiting for someone to figure out exactly how he is responsible. Then we'll begin the condemning with gusto." Deborah Frish (link is nsfw, or anywhere really)is so far the only commenter from the left. She wrote on her blog, "I'd like to #^%^&% @$&$% #^%@#$ your $@##^&*%^*$ @#$& only to %$@#@#& #%&$% your kid."
Unfortunately, while most of these people are good at laying blame, none have offered any solutions to this latest crisis in the middle-east. I asked the Hittite and Sumerian representatives how they expected to get away with taking other people's lands. "Oh this is just the beginning! The Sumerians and the Hittites both stem from an ancient race, known as the 'meeks'. Look us up, we're in the Bible. We're going to inherit the whole ball of wax! Not even a good Samaritan can help you now."
UPDATE: Exceptionally good news! The Hittites have decided to 'give peace a chance' and have instead conquered and inhabited Antarctica. Kofi Annan said the conflict would be much easier to resolve now that only Sumerians, Lebanese Christians, Hebrews and muslims are arguing over the same slice of desert. Said Annan, "This will be a peace of cake, just look at my track record so far if you doubt it."