AMA - "Toast Saves Lives"
The American Medical Association unveiled the finding on the long awaited study, "The Benefits of Toast". It turns out toast is even more important than previously believed. Toast contains a special chemical related to bone and cartilage growth. Dr. J. Hastenburghersteinafrompsonjon goes into more detail.
"The chemical is a newly discovered protein called toastycine, which we have dubbed vitamin T, and is only found in toast. Some say that trace amounts occur in toasted bagels as well, but the jury is still out on that one. Anyway, in double-blind clinical tests, it became clear early on that vitamin T is essential for normal cartilage growth.
"Here we have a test subject before the trials. After only a week without toast, there is not much change, apart from the expected anger from being denied the wonderful taste of toast. But after a month, the changes are clearly visible.
"The cartilage is distorted almost beyond recognition, and the bones are starting to decay as well. If allowed to continue, the result is truly horrifying. Hair loss, tooth decay, horrible skin aberrations, and mental disorders resulting in blind rage or even hallucinations about a magical ring or something. They really get whacky."
At this point Dr. Hastenburghersteinafrompsonjon got up to make some toast for us to snack on. I thought it was a great idea. As I sat there dining on a sublime slice with butter, I knew I was making the right decision. Not eating toast might get you a job as an extra on a movie, but you will certainly be going to bed at night alone.
(liquify, can't find a tutorial. Just hold down ctrl-shift-X and play around with it. It's very cool.)