Toast, It's not just for breakfast anymore: April 2007

Monday, April 30, 2007

Decision Made

I've already decided who I'm voting for in 2008 for President of the United States. Barak Obama. Here's why:

I'll be honest. I don't have any idea what his positions are on anything, but obviously he likes puppies and babies, and the flag proves he's American. Guess what? I like puppies and babies too!

I'll let you know if I find out anything else about his policies, but seriously, what's more important than puppies and babies?

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Curse Ridden Defamation

Having a conversation with a co-worker about the war in Iraq, I made it clear that I felt we had to win, no matter what. She, on the other hand, thought it was time to flee. She said, "Just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one."

I said, 'right back atcha.'

My sexual harrassment classes begin Monday :(.

Everything Solved. Or Not.

I've had the week off, so after fixing up the place a bit, I decided to do some deep soul searching and try to determine what's important vs. what's not important, how I can change the world in some small way for the better instead of for the worse, etc.

Guess what? Inner reflection is booooooooring. So I quickly decided, like almost every other person on the planet, that the best way for me to help the world is to come up with better rules for political campaign finances. I know, I know, EVERYBODY who contemplates their reason for being quickly determines it's for "campaign finance reform". But hear me out. These seem like some good rules.

1. Any American citizen is allowed to donate up to $2,000 per year to political entities, spread among candidates of their choice as they see fit. No one can donate more than $2,000 in total.

2. Non-citizens and non humans (corporations, labor unions, etc.) are forbidden from donating to political campaigns.

3. Lobbyists will unfortunately continue to exist, because everyone who talks to a Congressman with the goal of convincing them of their group's plight is kind of a lobbyist. But they will no longer be allowed to spend one thin dime to get that Congressman's attention. No flights, no lunch, no weekend at wherever.

4. Congressmen and their spouses will not be allowed to sit on boards of charities or businesses while in office or running for office, since lobbyists could donate to these groups to curry favor.

5. To vote, you must present ID which has your photo and your thumbprint on it. This thumbprint cannot be used in searches for crimes, but can be used for detection of multiple voting cards. The card must be free to obtain by any citizen. The Federal government should pick up the tab.

So what do you think? Are there holes in this idea? If so, please post them in the comments.

Until then, enjoy this (probably not safe for work, though it's straight from NBC) example of why you should not take drugs in school!

Friday, April 20, 2007

Interesting If True

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Our Readers Are Influential

I'm uncomfortable bragging, but someone's got to do it. While this seems like a tiny blog to some, it's important to note that the readers are the biggest of Earth's movers and shakers. They are the Illuminati, if you will. For example, Le was the first 'supermodel'. Here she is posing for a magazine cover as a kid, flaunting her tattoos (she has since had the 'hollywood' tattoo surgically removed).

Le has used her beauty to get into the world of politics, and now controls the social conservative movement. Let's hope she only uses those tattoos only for good! And yes, she shaves her armpits.

Defiant Infidel, another peruser of the Toast blog, is considered by many to be the leader of the NRA movement.

That was a picture of him laughing at a joke. Yes, he's THAT serious. Don't mess with DI... He's defiantly infidelical. Plus, he controls all Americans who own a gun. He could kill you with an accidental wink!

Angel, it will not surprise you to know, controls most of New York. Here's a photo of her getting ready for a night of 'stamping out evil'.

Evil, quit trying to hide in NYC. Angel's coming. And she's packin'.

Schuma, on the other hand, isn't keeping America safe at all. He's working on Taiwan! He's in charge of what is Taiwan's equivalent to the CIA. Here he is in Taipei, schooling a a mainland China spy.

I know! Those chinese spies are good with makeup. But not good enough to sneak by Schuma, or as his friends call him, 'The Schuminator". That's one spy who's not phoning home soon.

This post is long enough, and I haven't even made a dent in exposing our readers for the powerhouses they are. Still to come: Exposes (pronounced 'ex po zays') on Existingthing, Stick and Stein, Stew Magoo, Zendo Deb, Benning (he's evil though. More on that later), blob, the Wyoming gal collective, and even young Nettie. I've got the goods on all of you!

* No trackbacks, because those things are a pain.

How To Deal

If your enemy is hiding in a mosque (well, a minaret) while sniping you, it creates a unique problem. Check out how our innovative troops handle such a delicate situation in this 10 second video.

NSFW, but in a good way.

Friday, April 13, 2007


It's partly for peace, but mostly... it's for love.

Japanese Navy recruiting ad, h/t someone, but I forget who.

My New Book is Out

John Gray got it almost right. Except that men aren't from Mars. Because of this misconception, he mistakenly believes that better dialogue is the key to happiness in a relationship. Talk is cheap, John. Didn't it ever occur to you that it's hard to have an argument with your spouse if you aren't talking to them?

In an effort to help more people maintain a happy and beneficial marriage, I've written a book that will resolve most of the anger in marriages today. I hope everyone picks up a copy!

It's mostly written for men, but women are the primary benefactors. There is an entire chapter in there on relationship do's and don'ts from a male perspective. For example, don't call your wife a nappy headed ho. A lot of men don't know this, but women dislike that label. Here's another: Don't tell your wife that she is as pretty as her sister. Women appreciate compliments, but in my experience, this one doesn't impress them much. I don't know why, I'm just writing the facts. We can't even hope to understand them. They're from Venus!

You'll have to buy the book to get the rest of the advice.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Best Actors in the World

Paul Giamati. No offense, but he's not a beauty. He's probably better looking than me though. My one consolation is that I have a full head of hair, but it's meaningless, since this guy could wear a peacock feather on his head and make it look convincing as a toupe. Paul Giamati is without a doubt the best actor in the world, at this moment.

Check him out in The Illusionist, The Cinderella Man, and Sideways. Avoid him in The Something Or Other About Water Lady in the Water, since it stunk.

More previews forthcoming, since we just got free videos as a gift!

Pelosi Using Different Light Filters

The camera was set on wide angle, so it's hard to say how accurate the image is. Still, she's never babysitting my kids, just to be safe.

Listen to our anthem

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