Toast, It's not just for breakfast anymore: October 2006

Friday, October 27, 2006

Email Humor

A fleeing al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the Iraqi desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Scarlet Begonias and a Touch of the Blues (and the patches make the goodbye harder still)

I'm cuttin' out for a few months. Hopefully there are other bloggers out there willing to make fun of Islam until they understand how to take a joke and not kill anyone over it. I'm out of ideas, and need to spend my time elsewhere for a while.

Enjoy the rest of your lives people! It's short, but enjoyable if you do it right. It's even benificial to others if you are doing what you need to. I'll leave you with a knock knock joke.

Person 1: *knock knock*
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: A man who likes to marry young women and have sex with them when they are 9 years old.
Person 2: Come in Mohammed, prophet of the cult of death known as Islam.

Yeah, I'm still working out the kinks in that one, but I think it has legs. I'm willing to never tell that joke again once a person is NOT killed in the name of Islam for one year. In other words, I can tell that joke forever.


Update: Thanks so much for all of the kind words in the comments and email! I'll still be visiting all of your fine websites, whose links are on the side of this page. Check 'em out, they are all good, except for Toastguy, since he won't update the thing. I just don't have the time to write my own at the moment. I'll make it up by harassing you guys on your blogs :)

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Louisiana in Autumn

Moving from New Jersey to Louisiana a decade ago, I was shocked at how abysmally hot it is down here. Yeah, the people you meet are much friendlier, and you can still leave your doors unlocked, but in the middle of the summer, even looking outdoors will make you break a sweat.

Autumn/Winter/Spring is a different story. The daytime temperature will be high 50's to low 80's from now until April. Woohoo! I can go outside again in the daytime!

And the scenery is nice too, especially when we don't get hurricanes. I snapped some photos while surveying the land to see if the pine trees made it through the summer and made an interesting discovery. According to my calculations, I'm the proud owner of roughly 35 million Black-eyed Susan flowers! Feel free to pick one or two if you stop by.

And not only are the people friendly, so are the bugs! This friendly little honey bee took time out of his busy day to pose for me. I'm not sure if I quoted him entirely accurately, but that's what it sounded like.

So Louisiana has some great qualities that make it one of the many places in America that offer an acceptable quality of life. But there's one thing that I doubt any other state can offer that puts Louisiana among the best of all locations to reside.

I went to the Post Office and saw an advertisement that drove this point home. Say you wanted to pick up a new TV but also needed a couple of pigs. Where would you go to get them both? Down here, they are just a phone call away.

Convenient one-stop shopping. That's what makes Louisiana so great.

Friday, October 13, 2006

A Working Vacation

Sorry I had to leave on such short notice. We had a small window of opportunity to fix a problem that had remained unresolved for too long. We found out when the park rangers go on vacation and drove up to South Dakota with chisels in hand.

Don't tell anyone, since we forgot to get government approval. There's probably some silly law banning the addition of the newest of great Presidents to Mount Rushmore. You know how the government is :(

Next year we're putting Bill Clinton up there! (Just kidding)

Monday, October 09, 2006

See Ya Soon

I'm going off-line for a week. Could you guys do me a favor and don't let anyone else go nuclear until I get back?

Thanks in advance!

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Hard to Believe

I was watching an Iranian government sanctioned documentary on the life of president Mahmoud Ahmadinejihad. There were some old home movies showing his life as a child, and describing some of the great things he did back then. It seemed a little fishy to me, like I had seen it somewhere before. Also the dog' voice sounded an awful lot like the spokesperson from C.A.I.R.

I looked it up, and it turns out the 12th imam did indeed fall down a well though. So I guess it's for real.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Aging Hippies Rejoice!

Scientists say that marijuana may decrease the likelyhood of developing Alzheimer's disease.

What the report doesn't mention is that marijuana dramitically increases your chance of developing chronic hippyism.

Well, the options aren't good - a numb brain all your life, or a dead brain when you are old. That settles it - I choose Alzheimer's. I hate tie-dye.

Update: I wonder if any of those Californian scientists were originally from Canada. They might be biased by their flag if they are overly patriotic.

Update II: Scrappleface says, "The dope smoking Alzheimer’s patient still suffers from memory loss, impaired decision-making, and diminished language and movement skills,” according to one unnamed scientist, “but it’s no longer a terrible disease that’s causing the symptoms, so you don’t have that stigma of being a victim."

He always sees the good in things :)


How to tell when it's time to find a different writer to create your slogans:


Mohammed from Iraq the Model says America needs to worry less about problems in Iraq and just attack Iran and Syria to fix the middle east. I say that all the time, but I never thought anyone agreed with me!

Thursday, October 05, 2006

I Have a Dream!

Yeah, it's pretty unlikely, both for the 'liberals admitting they are wrong' premise, and for the 'Newsweek reporting it' one. Still, a man can dream. I don't always agree with Ann Coulter, but I'm always on her side. Here's her latest column. It's a fun read if you aren't sick of hearing about the whacko ex-Congressman from Florida. I kinda am, but it's tough to turn down an Ann Coulter column.

Speaking of dreams, Sarah Silverman has an opinion on the subject. It's not safe for work, there is cursing, and someone could be easily offended by it. Don't press the play button if you are easy to offend. Pretty funny though :)

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The good:
Tribes in western Iraq have had enough of al qaeda, and are kicking them to the curb, or killing them.

The bad:
What happens when you don't give Hamas any Jews to kill? They start killing other Palestinians. It's really more about the 'killing' than the 'Jews' I guess.

The ugly:
Mark Foley has forever marred the idea of 'passionate conservatism'. Yuck.

So he checked into alcohol rehab to get over his pedophilia. Uh...

Wanda Sykes put it best. "He's giving alcohol a bad name. It might make you sleep with a fatty, or pee on a neighbor's yard, but you don't turn into a pedophile..."

I have particular dislike for this man because he talks like a conservative, but acts like a pedophile. Freaky people like him cast an undeserved shadow over all of the right. If he's talking like a conservative, but he's actually a pedophile, maybe all conservatives are pedophiles! It's a ridiculous leap of logic, but there are many people in America willing to make that ridiculous leap.

Hammer On, Apply Directly to the Forehead!

Don't worry, this isn't hurting Mr. Kennedy. He's flexible. Or soft.

Update: Why is there a white halo around him? There isn't one in the original :(

Monday, October 02, 2006

Angry, But Smiling

Zendo Deb over at 357 Magnum has a feel good article about bad guys losing. I'm not gun-crazy or anything, but her photo at the end has me laughing.

I vote for #2 :)

Steel Turman from The Steel Deal has three cartoons about rewriting history from the left that are hilarious! Here's one:

But these are just as funny.

To Angry to Post

Because of this. From the head of our Senate. A Republican, and ready to appease. It's the beginning of the end, and we all might as well start practicing the phrase, "Salami Lickum". All we are missing now is a veto of the fence to know positively that 'Republicans' are just 'Democrats', but spelled differently.

Someone please offer advice on how to vote this November. Is there no one left in America with the resolve of Reagan?

UPDATE: Oops, it was just a mistake, and the AP just misquoted Senator Frist. He actually only said that the 'tribal leaders' should be brought into the Afghani government, not 'the Taliban'. Apologies for my impotent rage.

Listen to our anthem

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