Toast, It's not just for breakfast anymore: August 2008

Friday, August 29, 2008

Hurricanes are all Jerks

Here's the latest track the computer models have come up with for Hurricane Jerk (that's probably not its real name):

Hey, guess where we live?
I'm fine with a 3-4 day vacation in Houston or Shreveport, LA, (or Galveston, if we're daring, which we're not) and then coming back and picking up a half-ton of debris and hauling it to the dump. What I'm NOT fine with is people whining about it and begging for the government to save us as if we didn't know we lived in an area that is often ravaged by hurricanes.

Oh, and I'm also not fine with this hurricane knocking down our second crop of corn. My neighbor said two (garden) crops in one season couldn't be done, and if I don't deliver a bushel to his door, it's going to cost me a $25 bet. And we're SOOOO close!

This is particularly bad because this hurricane is named 'Gustav' which could be a french name. I've said a lot of bad things about the french, so this hurricane could be gunning for us. In the hopes that we can find peace, I take back half of the bad things I've said about the french. Think that'll fizzle out Gustav?

What Type of Bigot Are You?

If you don't vote for Obama/Biden, then you are racist - plain and simple.

If you don't vote for McCain/Palin, you are sexist - plain and simple.

Update: Rush is moved by Palin. "She's got it all. Babies. Guns. Jesus. Hot. Damn!"

Update 2: Hmm.

It would be a bad idea to start conspiracy theories this early in the game, but has anyone ever seen Tina Fey and Sarah Palin in the same room at the same time?

UPDATE 3: Peggy Noonan outdoes herself on MSNBC this morning. The last 25 seconds are the funny part, so stick with it. Click the image below to watch:

Noonan on Democrat speakers: Everybody is sick in their world. I'm sorry! Everybody is an unhappy, unwed, single mother who's feet are exploding. They don't exactly see the bright side of America.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Fascism at the Democratic Convention

I was just denied entrance to the convention by some fascist thugs. I didn't have my camera rolling, but here's how it went down:

SS Guy: I'm sorry sir, but you can't bring that sack of rotten tomatoes inside.

Me: Why? I wasn't planning to throw rotten tomatoes at Jimmy Carter. Where did you nazi thugs get such a ridiculous idea?

SS Guy: I never said Jimmy Ca- ... (*whispers to other SS thug*)Get him outta here.

Fascists. That's what they are.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Election Day Plans

Ok, I've heard of this joke being played out in a WalMart dressing room, but how about in a voting booth? Here's how you do it:

Enter the voting booth. Stand around idly for a minute or two, and then thrust your arm under the curtain and say, "This stall is out of toilet paper. Can anyone hand me some?"

Monday, August 25, 2008

DNC Protest Team Still Loves Mercedes

Hippie protesters are on the March again. This time in Denver.

Sheesh. Hippies. Don't they know that Mercedes-Benz is part of the corporate establishment? Also, their math skills continue to be less than stellar.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

New Campaign Posters

I was trying to combine some of Obama's Messiah photos, but our cow kept getting in the way. Oh well, I'll work on it later.

This one is for conservatives. We got totally screwed this year :(.

UPDATE, but not even remotely related: Although it is typical for them to receive endorsements, our presidential hopefuls instead do a little endorsing of their own:

UPDATE 2: Nah, I'm kidding. McCain wasn't endorsing Robert Spencer's awesome book. I just photoshopped it in. Here's the original.

UPDATE 3: After visiting Reverend Wright for a personal sermon, Obama has written a third book! I saw him carrying a copy while he was making his way to his personal Boeing 757, Carbon Spewer One.

When he wasn't looking, I snagged a copy of it. Each sentence has a little superscript number after the period. Where have I seen that before?

UPDATE 4: You'd think by now there'd be some rhyme or reason to this post. You'd be wrong!

UPDATE 5: Obama sent down from upon high his choice for VP. We think it went something like this:

UPDATE 6: It's unclear why Obama would choose Biden as his running mate. Critics claim that he won't ever look you in the eye, like an honest person would. Proponents blame this on a rare birth-defect.

UPDATE 7: Again, unrelated, but friends, I may have just solved a huge portion of the world's troubles. I was sent an anonymous email on how to do it. Here's how:

Empty the recycle bin. Then create a folder, and name it "the murderous misogynistic parts of the koran.. i.e. most of it", and then delete it. When you empty the recycle bin again, a simple clicking of 'yes' puts all of the weight of Microsoft behind you.

I imagine it's a lot of extra work for those poor Microsoft peons having to dissect all of those currently evil korans, but in the end everyone benefits!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

It's Over

I'd say the National Enquirer pretty much solved this puzzle. Let's stop talking about it now.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

American History - Emily Dickinson

He glanced with rapid eyes
That hurried all abroad,—
They looked like frightened beads, I thought
He stirred his velvet head

Like one in danger; cautious,
I offered him a crumb,
And he unrolled his feathers
And rowed him softer home

Let's be honest: Emily Dickinson was horrible at rhyming. It is a testament to how forgiving America is that we even allowed her to be called a poet. I mean, you couldn't be much worse at rhyming than Ms. Dickinson even if you didn't know what the word 'rhyme' meant.

I know no one cares about this, but it's been bugging me for a couple of decades. Glad it's out in the open now.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Violence Works!

Corporations are quickly realizing that intimidation and the occasional mass-murder is the wave of the future. Steve Jobs of Apple Computer noted that 'Hamas simply blew up a few thousand people, and suddenly they OWN the Gaza strip! Those palestinians have very good marketing technique. We could learn from them."

Geico, always on the cutting edge of advertising, went one step further. They've hired a pack of jihadis to promote their business.

When asked whether the company was worried about repercussions from violent brutality, a Spokesman shrugged off the idea. "Did you see what happened in Israel a few weeks ago? PM Olmert traded live terrorists for corpses! If we get arrested, we'll just kidnap some people, kill them, and use their dead bodies to get our employees sprung from jail. No harm done."

UPDATE: I've been informed that I should mention that Geico is the best insurance company around... if I want to live.


Listen to our anthem

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