Old One Liners

I don't like to brag, but my doctor said I'm as healthy as a man twice my age!

They say that ballet is a very hard thing to do. I say, "Don't do it!"

The two rules for a great life:
1: Don't tell people everything you know
2:

Jack Handy
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Computer Modeling Poorly Understood Systems (or The Death of a Cult)

"The 2007 hurricane season may be less severe than forecast due to cooler-than-expected water temperatures in the tropical Atlantic, private forecaster WSI Corp said on Tuesday."

Hey, isn't that the same thing they said in 2006, when they had to downgrade the chance of a repeat of 2005's overactive hurricane season from 80% to 75% to 0%"?

Strange. These people have the best modeling software available, yet are usually incorrect in their predictions even only a few months away. Why are we trusting what their models tell us will happen decades from now?

The skeptics continue to increase in number. Is it possible that science is going to win out over emotion? It looks increasingly likely. Gore's religion continues to crumble, and there's no reason to be sad about that!

Doh

3:19 into Brit Hume's show this image appeared. Has FOX switched to reporting which side the Senators act like they are on, instead of the side they claim to be on?

USS Comfort

Want to be even more proud of our military? Check out what else they're doing!




It's time to celebrate! And what better way to celebrate than by creating art from work? I'll answer for you. There's NO better way!



H/t: Stew Magoo.

Buy CDs from CDBaby

This is what they send you for conformation:

Your CDs have been gently taken from our CD Baby shelves with
sterilized contamination-free gloves and placed onto a satin pillow.

A team of 50 employees inspected your CDs and polished them to make
sure they were in the best possible condition before mailing.

Our packing specialist from Japan lit a candle and a hush fell over
the crowd as he put your CDs into the finest gold-lined box that money
can buy.

We all had a wonderful celebration afterwards and the whole party
marched down the street to the post office where the entire town of
Portland waved "Bon Voyage!" to your package, on its way to you, in
our private CD Baby jet on this day, Sunday, July 22nd.

I hope you had a wonderful time shopping at CD Baby.  We sure did.
Your picture is on our wall as "Customer of the Year."  We're all
exhausted but can't wait for you to come back to CDBABY.COM!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Sigh...

--
Derek Sivers, president, CD Baby

This Amazing Country

Indeed, Karol. We're all glad to welcome you to our ranks, 29 years late.

Leaving the Soviet Union was unlike leaving most places. You were stripped of your citizenship and told you can never return. You were an enemy, even your friends might shun you. I think that was fine with my father, he was American before he ever set foot here.

There's more.

Cool Fact

Do a google search for clemerforate.

It's just me! And I didn't even make up the word. Hey, any idea how to make more people search for 'clemeforate'? It's part of my plan to rule the world.

Big Love Critique

I'm a fan of the HBO series, "Big Love". It's a (sadly inaccurate) show about polygamy and the troubles polygamists might face in America. Don't get me wrong. I just enjoy the show. I'm no fan of polygamy. Polygamy's probably bad for the women too, but can any man imagine having to do what 3 or 4 women tell us to do, instead of just one? This probably sounds funny to the ladies, but the men know what I'm talking about. Living up to a single spouse's expectations is tough. Multiple ones... fugitaboutit.

But the series raises an interesting question. There's another show on TV about Hugh Hefner and his wife and 3 other women who he sleeps with regularly. It's legal polygamy, since he doesn't bother to marry them. Some might say it's even worse than polygamy, since he discards them when he's done. I do.

I feel like a Puritan for asking, but why do we allow this crap?

Is It Real, Or Is It Memorex?

Did his boobs give it away?

Who makes the best laptops?

Because this one is getting slightly too old.

Format Change

In order to drum up advertising sales, this blog will no longer discuss toast related subjects, or the fact that conservatism/libertarianism is the best way to live. We're going PORN!

First up, meet Chastity, a gal who likes walks on the beach, eating table scraps, and fetching.


TOTALLY NUDE! That's how we're doing things here now. And here's Annika, a girl looking for a man just to 'rut with for a while':


I hope the censors don't get me... she's not even eighteen! And to keep the ladies happy, meet Rusty, who says he prefers cuddling and listening over anything else.



Again, TOTALLY NUDE. I hope long time readers aren't offended by the new format, but you HAVE to admit - There's just not enough porn on the web.

Fear the Reaper

Come with me, if you want to live.

ps. This is not a report about this woman:

Does Bin Laden's Carbon Footprint = Zero?

Hope so.

Sorry for the lack of pictures for the last couple of days. I just can't think of any funny images. I had the time, but not the ideas :(.

Lowry says

"Michael Moore is practically the Leni Riefenstahl of socialism."

I'd leave out the word 'practically', but whatever.

From Britain, With Love

In the real world the US is the richest country, it has the most powerful military forces and it is driven forward by optimism and entrepreneurship - values the world needs. In the real world we are stronger together than apart.

I blame optimism.

People Like Toast

Heh. I thought this blog was the only place on the net goofy enough to expound on the virtues of toast. Guess not!

Also,

You are absolutely correct Hermione! Buttering after the toast has cooled is blasphemy.

Watch TV Online

Do you have a favorite TV show, but you missed an important episode? Watch it here, commercial free! I have no idea how they are doing it, but it appears to be legal. They've got EVERYTHING! 'Cept 30 rock (link's dead) which is the only TV show I'm both interested in and haven't seen.

Still, pretty cool.

Presidential Wish List

If I had my druthers ('druthers' is a southern thing apparently), this is my list of favorites, in descending order:

1. Duncan Hunter
2. Fred Thompson
3. Mitt Romney
4. Tom Tancredo
5. Satan
6. Hillary Clinton

I should mention that I'm firmly against #'s 5 and 6, but just wanted to put them in order of preference. All of this is of course assuming that there is no way of re-animating or cloning Ronald Reagan. Sorry, I'm a sci-fi buff, and I'm having trouble letting go of that guy.

Who are your favorites? This is different than a prediction. My prediction remains unchanged from 4 months ago, as depressingly shown on Free Frank Warner's site. Better yet, who are your favorites AND what is your prediction for which persons the major parties will nominate?

I'll offer a $50 gift certificate in the form of cash if you're right and I'm wrong on the 'prediction' part.

Rules:
1. You can't pick Obama vs Guliani.
2. For multiple winners, the 50 bucks will be split among them (think of my children!).
3. Comments after the end of July will not be considered.
4. That's about it.

Yet Another Reason to Hate Sutton

Can someone fire this scuzzball?

(This is 6 months old, but I had never heard the story.)

Creepy

Can you guess who these creepy people are supposed to be?



Wish there was a story to go along with this... :(

CORN!

G-90, my friends. The super sweets are horribly overrated because of their tiny ears and excessive bug attraction. With G-90, we got 3 ears off a dozen plants! 2 off another quarter. One beautiful ear off of the rest. No losses, as far as I could tell. Zero ears lost to the 'coons, since we shocked the sh*t out of them with a 10kv wire. Just a fyi: I hate raccoons and would enjoy giving them more than a shock, but can't figure out how.

If you didn't understand that last paragraph, don't bother trying to figure it out. You won't care. It's just about how to make a tiny planting of corn work (G-90!).

Update: By 'tiny' I should mention that it means 60x.5 (I planted them kinda close)x30= 900-2700 ears of corn (likely 1.2k ears). Corn party at my place!

Update II: What a day. Good Lord, I'm sick of corn. And cucumbers. And peas and okra and squash and #%&$^ tomatoes. Still cool with watermelons though. They rarely require weeding or picking. And that is the definition of a great plant. Peppers: also cool.

If you've got a quarter of an acre to spare, plant a garden and you too can be sick of all of these vegetables! Remember to plant 'G-90' corn and put up an electric fence to zap (sadly, harmlessly) critters like raccoons and deer. If we didn't give most of the stuff away to friends, the 1/4 acre garden would easily support us for 6 months. I heartily recommend a garden for anyone, even zero lot people (it's possible, my brother did it.)

Touching Story From the Inbox

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady
following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at
him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout. She turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like
my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave
the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout. As she was on her way out of the
store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he
went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items!"

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said
you'd be paying for her things, too."

New Policy In Iran For Gays

Don't tell, don't die.

Hamas Plot Foiled

Details here. That's all well and good, but what caught my eye was this:

Hamas, over the past few years, has invested millions of shekels in Jerusalem charities and religious institutions, as well as in construction on the Temple Mount...

Now I'm no historian, but haven't they been building that thing for thousands of years? Israel, at some point you've got to say 'Enough!', and call it finished. Anything over 2,000 years just seems too long for a construction project.


More angry muslims, from The Steel Deal:

Optimism/Pessimism Defined

An optimist would say "the glass is half full."

A pessimist would say "the glass would be completely full if it wasn't evaporating so fast because of man-made global warming."

---

A pessimist would say "the glass is half empty."

An optimist would say, "hey, that might be a glass of vodka!"

---

An optimist would say, "the glass is half full."

A pessimist would say, "who cares? We're all going to die, sooner or later. Also, my head hurts and I'm tired. There's never anything good on tv. I hate my job."

---

An optimist would say, "the glass is half full."

A pessimist would say, "Of course it is. Bush and Haliburton stole the other half to share with their oil cronies!

---

Well, that's my take on the subject at least.

Here's a funny cartoon from Darby Conley!