Just Wonderin'

Did you ever have your phone stop working in the middle of the night, and then notice someone prowling around your yard in a suspicious manner and then blow them away with a 12 gauge as they approached your house to protect your family, only to find out that it was my next-door neighbor, checking to see if our phone was out too?

Yeah, me neither. I bet that would suck though.

Global Warming Explained

Ever since Al Gore created Global Warming, I've been somewhat concerned about it. I've done a lot of reading, and have even taken my own temperature measurements for the last couple of years. I think I've got it figured out.

The first thing my data told me was that every year, without exception, we suffered global cooling from November through mid March, followed by 6 months of global warming. My Australian friend noticed this too, but in opposite months. We have apparently been having 6 month cycles of Global Warming followed immediately by 6 months of Global Cooling, for many years. Weird that noone ever noticed this before, huh?

Anyway, I've identified the cause, and there's no reason for concern about Global Warming anymore. Good news indeed!

Here's how it works. There is a black hole orbiting the earth over the poles. It is apparently there to suck all the excess heat off the northern hemisphere for six months, and then the southern for the other six. I've attached a picture of the black hole taken from the Hubble telescope.

Unfortunately, it's difficult to see, being black, and pretty small. But, we know it's there. As a scientist (I hold degrees in both scientology and scientonomy), I know of no other phenomenon that would explain our yearly climate change. And if the climate does someday get too warm, I'm sure someone can just fly up there and turn up the sucking power of the black hole or something (it's too technical to go into details here). Long story short: Global Warming - not a problem. Rest easy.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey

●When a little child asks me where rain comes from, I like to tell him it's because God is crying. And when he asks me why God is crying, I like to tell him, "It's probably because of something you did."

●It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

●I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

●If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

●I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Star-crossed Lovers

My girlfriend broke up with me today. Being an astrologist, I can't say it was unexpected. We were what is known as 'star-crossed lovers' and the affair was doomed to failure. You see, I am a Scorpio, and she is a whore.

The Jews

This is appalling. Have you ever heard the crazy left say things like "We are at war in Iraq to further the goals of the zionist cabal"? Or that we Americans are just working for our jewish overlords? Sit down before you read the rest of this. It's all true! General Casey announced today from Baghdad (now called "East Jerusalem") that "Iraq is now safe enough to turn it over to our masters." I didn't understand what he was talking about until some rabbi got up and started explaining how they were going to have to take some land from Jordan in order to keep Israel contiguous.

Google has already updated their mapping software. It's a done deal.


I can't believe we fell into the trap set for us by the vast Zionist underground. Those crazy progressives were right all along. When will we learn? It's all about the jews! The joooooos!

Endgame

Imagine: A group of Canadians tunnel into the US, kill a few cops, wound more, take one hostage, and flee back into Canada with hostage in tow. Now imagine that the Canadian government and it's people are unwilling to assist America in recovering our citizen. How many minutes would pass before the US invaded Canada? I'm guessing about 30. If the roles were reversed, Canada would be sending people into the US just as quickly.

So why would Israel be any different? Palestinians snuck into Israel, then murdered a few and wounded many Israelis. Then they kidnapped an Israeli soldier (19-year old Gilad Shalit: see picture) and brought him to the land of a million jew haters, the Gaza Strip. Palestinians need to learn that they can be happy with control of Gaza, or be dead. All other options are off the table. There is only one avenue left to explain this fact to them. Enough is enough. Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war! We don't allow terrorists to rest. Let's not complain when Israel doesn't either.

Preston Taylor Holmes feels about the same way. Sister Toldjah notes that three bridges have been destroyed so far, and electricity is out in the strip as well.

Update: Cox and Forkum notice that Israel is not too interested in negotiations.



Heh.

Put it on my Resume

Hoping I might score a cushy job at the New York Times, I tried to get a scoop while I was in Tikrit. I interviewed Corporal Skip Johnson. Here's an exerpt:

Me: So, how are things going in Iraq?

Skip: Good so far. We're winning the hearts and minds of the Iraqis, slowly but steadily. Most of them now see that we are only here to establish order, and will happily leave as soon as the violence stops.

Me: That's great! On the flip-side, is anything bad going on?

Skip: Well, we're still not fully equipped to handle terrorists at our new headquarters at 301 West Mohammed Drive in downtown Tikrit. Armor and weapons won't arrive for two more weeks, so I guess that's a bad thing... Say, you're not going to print that, are you?

Me: Well, it is in the public interest...

Skip: What!?! Reporting that could cause the death of hundreds of Americans working there! Printing that would be signing their death warrants!

Me: Public interest! Gotta go...

All in all it was a very good interview. I'll post the rest of it later, after I sift through the data.







Update: Sadly, the new headquarters building in Tikrit has been destroyed by mortars. It is unclear how the terrorists found out about the place. Still, it's pretty obvious that it's Bush's fault.

Malkin Attacks!

The UN should be very worried when this issue comes out. This lady is not friendly to fools or criminals. There are a lot of both at the UN these days.

Problem Solving 101

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Colorized NYT

In a surprise move today, the New York Times announced that they would be adding color to the newspaper in an attempt to boost sagging sails.



At the press conference, I talked to Paul Krugman (NYT editorialist, chronic BDR sufferer) about the reasoning behind putting islam crescents into the logo. Especially since this comes only a day after the NYT handed classified information to Al-Quaeda, that will help them stay below the radar. "No, no", he said, "of course we are big supporters of the Religion of Peace, but we do not support terrorism in any shape or form. We just really hate President Bush. And so do terrorists. It's one of those 'enemy of my enemy is my friend' deals. Anyway, those crescents have always been there, it's just easier to see with color. Isn't the color great?"

Update: Michelle Malkin is having a photo contest over the NYT's latest dastardly deed. Count me in!




I called up the NYT today and cancelled my subscription over this latest act of terrorist assistance. The guy said, "But you don't have a subscription to the New York Times!" I didn't care, and told him to "Cancel it anyway."

Update II: Tom Elia of The New Editor has an interesting take on this as well.

Solving Illegal Immigration - All By Myself

The Senate wants to give illegal aliens amnesty, and then possibly tighten up the border a little in a few years time. This is unacceptable, since we cannot assimilate that many people into America at one time. They could not melt into the American pot fast enough, and would form segregated communities much like we are seeing now in California. Not to mention the effect that allowing people to break the law has on people breaking our other laws. The Senate seems completely unwilling to fix the problem.

So I've got a plan. I am going to be the newest Senator from Louisiana. I'm not going to bother following the law by getting people to vote me in, I'm just assuming the role. When enough people join me in becoming illegal Senators, we can get the legal ones to pass a bill to give us amnesty. We'd have to pay a $2,000 fine, but then we'd become legal Senators. We'd probably have majority status too!

Unfortunately, since announcing my new position in the Senate yesterday, I have already been attacked for it. Moveon.org set up a protest outside my house, complete with protest signs, and Cindy Sheehan is on her way over to join them. Oh well, doing good work is never easy.

Humor in Church

Sunday's sermon was called "Forgiving Your Enemies". Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "Forgiveness is very important for your salvation. How many of you have now forgiven your enemies?"

80% of the congregation held up their hand. The Minister then repeated his question.

This time everyone raised their hand, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Why are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

Knowing the lady, the Minister said, "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front tell us all how a person can live 98 years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived those bitches."

So Sayeth the Shepherd

Thou must conserve energy so that the great ones may enjoy our private jets. Else, doom awaits us all!




I loathe hypocritical ex-VP hippies, but I couldn't think of what to do with this cool looking ring of fire. (Tutorial here.)

I think he's blushing

Truthout's Jason Leopold falsely claimed that Rove would be indicted. He said, "High level sources with direct knowledge of the meeting [have affirmed it]." Then he stated that, while the source was confidential, if the story turned out to be false he would print the source's name to prove he wasn't just making it all up.

Well the story did turn out to be false, and Rove is not guilty of any charges. Currently, there is not even any plan to falsely accuse him. So Jason owes us the name of the person who made false statements, right? Well today, he delivered!



The press was stunned. Jason said, "The person who gave me this information was... Karl Rove! It's all his fault." Most of us were doubtful until he showed us the proof. "This document is written in a code language often used by conspirators to keep us all in the dark. But the staff here at Truthout has finally cracked the code, and it clearly says that Rove will be indicted. Unfortunately, we appear to have a mole here at Truthout, and Rove had him plant the document to make us look foolish. It's all part of his ongoing plan to make the left look like idiots."



Wow! Rove is so evilly sneaky, he even conspiratorially created his own conspiracy just to embarrass Jason Leopold (in some sort of vast right-wingish conspiracy that is clearly too deep to go into here). My point is this: How can we trust a man like Karl Rove that would create conspiracy within conspiracies within even more conspiracies... just to silence our brief lesson in speaking truth to power that is personified by Jason Leopold?

Short Answer: We can't. Let's stick with trusting Jason Leopold. He's never lied to us before, has he?

(For legal reasons this post was written by my lawyer: Denny Crane. But I did the colorizing.)

Women, Part XCLVIV

My wife and I are big fans of celebrities. When we first got married, she was in love with Tom Selleck and I with Heather Locklear. We even made a pact that if by some freak occurence she had a chance to sleep with Mr. Selleck or I with Ms. Locklear, we were allowed to do it one time, and the other could not be angry about it. Just with that one 'dream' person.

Last week she brought up the pact and we were laughing about it. Just for fun we decided to update our favorites. She chose Brad Pitt.



I chose Sarah Cunningham, our next-door neighbor.



I swear I don't understand women. Now, contrary to our agreement, my wife's all mad at me because my dream came true and her's didn't. How selfish is that?!?

$1.4 billion in bogus Katrina claims

This is really embarrassing. You see, my kid has... maybe I should just let him tell you.


Son come in here. Do you have something to say?









No...











Son... tell them or you are grounded.










Ok... I'm sorry.










Sorry for what?











I'm sorry I made 1.4 billion dollars worth of bogus Katrina claims.











That's better. Now go to your room and think about what you've done.







To all of America, I'm truly sorry my son did this. I promise you that he will see none of his $2 a week allowance until the entire $1.4 billion is repaid.

Pow!

Well, the F-22A fighter was introduced a few months ago, and the pilot reviews are finally in. So what are they saying? Here's an example, sent in from Captain Robert "Smackdown" Johnson:

Sure, it is basically invisible to radar, kills enemies before they know you are there, and is pretty much unstoppable. That's great and all, but you know what really makes this plane so cool? Tinted windows. No sunglasses for me. My plane's got that covered.

Tinted windows. Finally! I've been complaining about the 'glare' issue since I was a kid. Who wants to worry about sunlight in your eyes when you are trying to send a terrorist to his maker? Kudos to the Air Force for finally resolving this problem.

Major John "Gonnagetcha" Morrison emails:

You've got to love the stealth for protection and the ability to target something as small as a fingernail clipping to get the job done. But my favorite part of the plane is definitely the Dolby 7.1 Surround Sound system. As you know, the F/A-18 only has Dolby 5.1. Talk about living in the past!

All I can say is it's about freakin' time! Most pilots (pre F-22) were not even bothering to watch the in-flight movie on the way to their targets anymore, the sound system being so lousy. Three cheers for the designers that put pilot needs in the forefront!

Always make sure

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Panini

Have you ever had a panini? Panini is italian for 'grilled cheese sandwich'. I used to eat them for lunch almost daily, and had no idea I was eating gourmet food. Now I can honestly say that I was brought up with class. I mean, for lunch, we were served paninis!

What makes grilled cheese taste so good? You guessed it, it's the toasted bread. Yay toast! I feel a snoopy dance comin' on.




Update: Does anyone know of a good site to store animated gif files online? The one I'm using (Photobucket) seems to garble them up slightly.

Google is Watching

While unveiling Google's new company logo, Sergey Brin finally acknowledged Tuesday the dominant internet search engine company has compromised its principles by accommodating Chinese censorship demands. "Yes, we understand that censoring China's atrocities while allowing all good news through is identical to propaganda and will cause more harm to chinese citizens than good. But you aren't looking at the big picture." Intrigued, I asked him what the 'big picture' was. "Well... I mean, we're going to make ALOT of money! Ka-ching!"


I asked if it was important to live up to the simple 3 word company slogan, "Don't Be Evil". He said, "Have you ever heard that song 'Two out of three ain't bad'?"

concrete "Pieces Be Upon Him"

Asta la vista, baby.

UPDATE: Allah says it went down like this.

UPDATE 2: Zarkawi responds from paradise!

Truth out

You know that guy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran? After hearing his speeches lately, I have come to the conclusion that he took too much acid in the 70's. I called him up and told him to cool it with the tough-guy rhetoric, and we got to talking about other subjects, and one thing led to another. Long story short, he's been vacationing at my house for the last week.

But I'm going to have to ask him to go home. He's just too strange. The wife said "He goes or I do. I'm sick of him throwing a sheet over me every time I walk by!"

Rather than insult him by asking him to leave, I tried assaulting his senses to get him to go on his own. I figured that since he's a muslim, I'd freak him out with some of the crazy stuff in America that we call entertainment. Maybe going to one of those 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show' movies where people act out the movie as it plays, and some of them dress as girls would do the trick? Nope! 5 minutes after we got there, he disappeared, and re-emerged looking like this!


And if you make him angry, he says things like 'blam!', 'kaplow!', or 'boom!' until you stop talking. That's just plain unnerving.


UPDATE: Well, he finally left, but I don't feel good about it. Here's the card he left me on the guest bed.



UPDATE II: Some of this information might be 'ahead of the news cycle'.

The Long Arm of the Nightstick

Someone is sending me hilarous emails.

Two men were driving through North Dakota when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in North Dakota, son," the trooper answered.

"When we pull you over in North Dakota, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm from California and didn't know your laws here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license... he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper. "Because I know you big city types," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'"

Misdirection

You can trust me. Don't worry about a thing, it will all work out. Check out my juggling!